10 ways to discipline without smacking

As parents, we all know that smacking is a big no-no - yet occasionally, we're pushed to the limit. Here's how you can encourage good behaviour with positive discipline. Cue happier parents and happier child...

About to blow your lid?

Smacking is rarely a planned, thought-out response. We lash out when we're seeing red - then feel dreadful afterwards. Plus, whilst it may stop a misbehaving child in his tracks, long-term it can make matters worse.

When a parent smacks, the child gets the message that this is how to deal with anger, and may start hitting other kids. Even if he doesn't, it's more likely to lead to defiance rather than respect for you.

So, if you feel anger bubbling up, take a deep breath and remove yourself from the situation for a few moments. This acts as a diffuser for grown-ups, and can be enough to avoid crossing un-necessary boundaries and smacking.
'I didn't mean it, Mummy...'

So often, we fall into unnecessary telling-off cycles, becoming increasingly frustrated as a child's small (often unintended) misdemeanours mount up. It's always better to let go of accidents; know your child well enough to know the difference. Otherwise your child will just stop listening, or think, 'I can't do anything right.'

When you do need to discipline your child, try to focus on the behaviour and how it affects other people, rather than on the child herself.

So, rather than snapping 'You're always dropping things! You're so clumsy!' - which is negative, it would be better to explain: 'This makes an awful lot of mess for us to clean up. What can you do to stop that happening again?' Then work out a solution with the child.

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'Know when to have your foot on the pedal and when to take it off. It's not a matter of controlling everything. Sometimes it’s important to let go and laugh at the situation. If we take everything really seriously we’re losing out on the fun journey.'

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Positive vibes

According to a study conducted by the Cadet Forces, one in four parents doesn't discipline their child for fear of appearing too strict. Of course, every child needs to know right from wrong, and what's acceptable - and you'll often that the most effective tactic is to praise positive behaviour.

For example, you could say, 'I'm really proud of the way you played so nicely with your toys while I was on the phone to Gran.' Try to be specific, rather than spouting general praise such as, 'You've been very good.' That way, your child understands what he's done well, and can feel justifiably proud.
Stickers and treats

Some parents find reward systems such as sticker charts incredibly helpful. For instance, a day without fighting with siblings might warrant a star on the chart, as might putting away toys without making a fuss.

'Alicia [aged seven] was being incredibly uncooperative and difficult,' says her mother Toni, 39, 'so we started a "helpfulness" chart. For every full week of stickers, Alicia can have a small treat when we're out shopping. After four weeks, she then "earns" a bigger treat like a sleepover.

'The difficulty is in deciding whether to withhold a sticker due to a small incident, especially when she's been doing so well...' But then, whoever said parenting was easy?
Do as I do...

We teach our children to be polite, and treat others with respect - then find ourselves yelling when a partner's annoyed us.

Hard though it is, do bear in mind that children absorb our behaviours, and that a shouty home environment tends to result in shouty kids. Ironically, in a survey by insurance company Esure, couples admitted that how discipline the kids is a common argument flashpoint (causing an average of 88 rows per year, according to the study).

Whenever you can, try to work out a discipline strategy you're both satisfied with, and go all out to present a united front.
Time to talk

When you need to raise an issue with your child, try to talk calmly without shouting. iVillager Annie, 39, finds that this tactic often works: 'Jamie, who's eight, often gets over-excited and that's when things get broken or he doesn't listen. So, as he's pretty good most of the time, I adopt a completely surprised voice and say, "I don't understand why you've done this, Jamie. I wouldn't expect this from you, and it's made a lot more work for me." And he'll do his best to put things right.'

'While every child is different, this may be worth a try - the underlying message being, 'I think you're great, and you wouldn't normally do something like this. So let's just fix it and move on.'
'That's not fair...'

Occasionally, you may feel that withholding privileges is the best move.

For instance, swearing or hitting someone might result in no TV for two days, or pocket money being denied for a week. If you do this, stick to your guns - crumbling under pressure conveys the message that nagging works, and you're a soft touch.

However, don't go on about it either. Once your child understands that her actions do have consequences, draw a line under the incident and move on.
'No friends over - ever!'

When you're boiling with rage, it's easy to get carried away with ridiculous threats, yelling, 'That's it! Your birthday party's cancelled.' So, if privileges are to be withdrawn, make sure it's practical and reasonable to do so.

Occasionally, when you're pushed to the edge, you feel it's necessary to make a dramatic gesture: 'We'd driven 40 miles for a day out in Brighton,' says Jacqui, 44, mum to six-year-old Isaac and Holly, aged nine. 'We'd been there less than an hour and both of them were behaving appallingly - having tantrums and demanding everything within sight. I said, "If you carry on like this I'm going to drive us straight home."

'They did, so I did - for once in my life, I carried through with a threat. It shocked them but, on that occasion, it was the only thing to do.'
Ready to snap

If you find yourself annoyed by every little thing your child does, and are raising your voice far more than you'd like, then consider if it's partly due to being overloaded.

According to the Mental Health Foundation, 28 per cent of adults worry about how angry they feel sometimes, and it's hard to be calm and consistent when you're under pressure.

Consider how you can delegate chores (perhaps by lowering standards slightly), up your sleep quota and carve out a little time for yourself. Children need clear, simple and consistent guidelines - but remember that you have needs too.
Kiss and make up

While flare-ups are a normal part of family life, it's important to move on when an issue's been dealt with. If you think you've been overly harsh, then apologise - rather than making you appear weak, this show your child that you respect her, and that adults can sometimes misjudge situations too.

When you've tackled a tricky issue, and your child understands why you were annoyed and what she should do in future, all there is for it is to kiss, cuddle and make up. After all, life's too short to bear a grudge - especially against your child.
Next Up: Disciplining kids: what works and what doesn't
Children need to understand right from wrong, but how best to get the message across? Clue: not by nagging or shouting...