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12 ways to deal with separation anxiety

When there are tears and tantrums, it’s no wonder you dread having to say goodbye to your child. Here’s how to make the parting stress-free…

By Fiona Gibson

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Crying and clinging

Separation anxiety rarely happens to very young babies. It tends to kick in from around eight months, when children realise that people (and things) still exist, even when they’re out of sight. Cue crying and clinging as your child does anything within her power to make you stay. While it’s distressing for both of you – in extreme cases, you might feel unable to return to work – it is a normal part of development.

Whilst not every child has it, around three quarters do, according to studies. So don’t worry that there’s something ‘wrong’ with your child, or the way you’re parenting her.

See also: 11 tips for coping with fussy eaters
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Back to work…

Separation anxiety is the most stressful aspect to returning to work, according to a US study, with a third of women finding it harder to manage than juggling work and family. Even if you’re ready to re-join your colleagues, feelings of guilt at leaving your crying child can make it a wrench. Rest assured, though, that consistent, quality childcare won’t ‘harm’ your child, and the chances are, he’s playing happily minutes after you’ve left.

If you need reassurance, call his caregiver twenty minutes or so after dropping him off – but do resist the urge to keep phoning throughout the day, which will only crank up your stress levels.

See also: 11 tips for coping with fussy eaters
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Saying goodbye

You can make parting easier by developing a ritual for each time you leave. Even if you suspect your child will be upset, try to adopt a positive frame of mind (if you seem upset, your child is more likely to be too). Give your child a kiss and hug, but make it fairly brisk – long, emotional farewells make it harder for your child to accept you’re leaving.

Wish her a nice day, and tell her when you’ll be back – eg, after lunch, or at tea time. Then leave. Even if she cries for you, don’t keep going back, or the whole process will become more drawn-out and fraught.

See also: 11 tips for coping with fussy eaters
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Short and sweet

Anything new and different can trigger separation anxiety, so pave the way to a happy transition by visiting a nursery or child minder before your child actually starts going there. If you can, try to set up one or two mini-visits and leave her there, even if it’s only for half an hour.

That way, she can get used to being parted from you for a short space of time, and know you’ll return. It’ll also help her to realise that much fun can be had, even when Mummy’s not around...

See also: 11 tips for cping with fussy eaters
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‘What will you do today?’

To help your child to feel positive about going to her nursery or child minder’s, chat to her as you walk or drive, asking her about the activities she’ll be doing. ‘Chatting has helped me as well,’ says Moira, 29, whose daughter Amelie started nursery at twenty-two months.

‘I knew there’d be tears, but having a nice talk on the way stopped me feeling so anxious about there being a horrible scene. After a couple of weeks, she’d settled enough to spend the whole walk home chatting about the fun stuff she’d done that day.’

See also: 11 tips for coping with fussy eaters
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Bedtime tears and fears

Separation anxiety doesn’t just occur when your child is being left with a care-giver. It can happen when you simply need to leave the room for a few moments, or when you’ve said goodnight. At bedtime, some parents opt for the ‘cold turkey’ approach, leaving their child to cry until he falls asleep – but you may find it less harrowing to pop in after a couple of minutes and reassure your child, without lifting him from his cot.

Keep going in to remind him that you’re close by, and that it’s sleep time now, leaving longer intervals between each visit.

See also: 11 tips for coping with fussy eaters
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A cuddly friend

If your child is unsure about being parted from you, there’s nothing wrong with letting her take a favourite cuddly toy or blanket. ‘Jasmine had her favourite beanie bear with her at nursery and playgroup, right until she started school,’ says her mum Beth, 40. ‘She realised other children might make fun of her, so she kept it stashed in her bag. It seemed enough to know that Ted was always there.’

There’s nothing shameful about enjoying the reassurance of having a cuddly close by. According to a recent Travelodge survey, over a third of us adults still have a beloved soft toy in bed…

See also: 11 tips for coping with fussy eaters
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8 of 13

‘Want Mummy, not Daddy…’

It can be hurtful when your child kicks up merry hell whenever you hand him over to Dad. Yet giving in, and saying, ‘Oh, just give him back to me’ not only undermines your partner’s capabilities, but also puts tremendous pressure on you. After all, no one can physically be with their child every moment of the day.

Being kind but firm, and making your departure as swift as possible, will help your child to accept that he’s in perfectly good hands with Daddy. In any separation scenario, do resist the temptation to just sneak away, as your child will feel even more alarmed by your sudden disappearance.

See also: 11 tips for coping with fussy eaters
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Getting to know you

If your toddler howls for you when the babysitter takes over, you can wonder whether going out is actually worth all the angst. Yet spending uninterrupted time together is vital for your adult relationship, and with careful planning, your child will discover that babysitters can be great fun.

Whenever possible, ask your sitter to come around and play with your child a day or two before you leave him in her care. If that’s not feasible, as her to show up early so they can get to know each other while you’re getting ready. Again, don’t sneak out that door, but say a warm, brief goodbye – then head out.

See also: 11 tips for coping with fussy eaters
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You’re back… so why the tears?

Don’t be alarmed if your child bursts into tears when you pick him up from nursery, his child minder’s or a party. The sight of you arriving to collect him will remind him that you’ve been gone – even if he’s been playing happily the whole time you’ve been away.

Gradually, as his confidence grows, he’ll become more used to interacting with a wide of range people. Then he’ll be telling you in no uncertain terms that you’ve arrived too early, and he doesn’t want to go home…

See also: 11 tips for coping with fussy eaters
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Little setbacks

Occasionally, you might notice a sudden resurgence of tears and clinginess. This might be due to feeling over-tired or under the weather. Or perhaps there’s been a significant change in your child’s life, like disruption at home, the arrival of a new baby, or a change in childcare.

In older children, there might be a problem such as bullying, so have a gentle chat to find out if your child is unhappy, and take steps to resolve it. In the meantime, if you remain calm and positive, your child will soon feel settled enough to say ‘bye without tears.

See also: 11 tips for coping with fussy eaters
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Happy days

‘A couple of weeks after Alfie started nursery, I peeked in through the window as I was leaving, just to see what he was doing,’ admits his mum Allison, 34, of her twenty month-old. ‘There’d been tears as I’d left, but now he was playing happily as if he’d forgotten I existed. I almost felt hurt that he could manage perfectly well without me!’

Although we all want to be able to get on with our day, it’s unsettling to feel, as Allison puts it, ‘almost redundant.’ You’re not, of course. But it seems that we adults are never too old to experience a little separation anxiety of our own…

See also: 11 tips for coping with fussy eaters
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13 of 13

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