Every week, Jo Hemmings, Behavioural and Celebrity Psychologist, will give her analysis on a topical news story, a celebrity scoop or a relevant piece of research in a way that you will be able to relate to in your own lives. As a Relationship Coach, who has counselled singles, couples and celebrities as well as having had regular appearances on TV analysing the behaviour of A-Listers through to reality TV contestants, Jo’s unique psychological spin will have you hooked! You can also find Jo on Twitter.
Adjusting to being a lover and a mother
By Jo Hemmings on 05 Dec 2011
In a recent survey, it was revealed that over half of mums feel that their relationship with their partner moves from carnal to platonic after the birth of their children. A third of women believe that they now only fit into the category of mother, rather than lover, with 21 per cent admitting that their partner no longer sees them as sexual at all.
While the media cushions these rather sad statistics with expressions that suggest that fathers grow ‘baby blinkers’ after their partners have given birth and that mums then develop ‘mumnesia’ where they forget who they were before they had children, it is nevertheless a very difficult and traumatic time for many women.
Not only do they have to adjust to a new baby and the pressures that brings, many women while understandably not wanting sex for some time after giving birth, are desperate to still be recognised as sexual and desirable.
Women go through many changes after the birth of a baby – some hormonal, some emotional while others are physical. A lack of libido, a complete change of role, post-baby tummy and boobs – as well as the recovery period from the birth itself – and sheer exhaustion may make mums feel very unsexy for many months after giving birth.
At the exact time that they need their partner to be supportive, understanding and help them with this adjustment, fathers seem to be effectively turning a blind eye.
Undoubtedly, life is also difficult for a new father. As well as the joy of a baby, their role now includes far greater help and assistance in the practicalities of childcare, than a generation ago. And if they are doing this in addition to a full-time job, it can be quite a shake-up to their lives, also leaving them tired and irritable.
Add to this mix, a woman who doesn’t appear to want to immediately reaffirm her role as a lover and they seem to be feeling all rejected and isolated. In the same survey, just two per cent say that their partners would now describe them as ‘sensual’, preferring to use words like ‘sexless’ (22 per cent), ‘reliable’ (53 per cent) and ‘tired’ (69 per cent).
Distressing as this can be for new mums, it is important to be aware that communicating your concerns with your partner is the best way of ensuring that this is only a temporary phase. And that whatever we see in the media, with celebrity mums pinging back into shape and back out on the town having fun a nano second after having a baby, there isn’t a single mother who doesn’t go through this phase.
It’s a time when resentment of the lifestyle change that accompanied their longed for child can feel confusing and troubling and both partners need to reassure each other that in spite of the major upheaval of having a new baby, they are both working towards a time when they’ll resume their sexual relationship. There is no fixed amount of time either – it varies from mother to mother, and may take a few weeks or several months. It’s the sharing of feelings that is the most important.
And looking at the results of this survey, there are a lot of new mothers out there feeling very undervalued by their partners, so it’s especially important that the man both shows and expresses reassurance to his partner, who is very likely to be feeling both physically and emotionally less desirable.
He needs to recognise and acknowledge this, without taking any of it personally. It’s the seemingly – and mistaken – sense of personal rejection and the lack of communication that make men retreat to a place in their mind where ‘baby blinkers’ seems the most easiest option. It’s a time when they need to be reminded that you are most definitely both a lover as well as a mother, but just taking a temporary respite while you adjust to your new role!
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