Our straight talking Lancashire lass takes a sideways look at the daily news.
Are you battling Blue Monday?
Today, statistical analysis, the ongoing recession and the Daily Mail tells me that I should be depressed because it is officially Blue Monday and by rights I should be feeling at my lowest ebb.
So what is the Blue Monday phenomenon? It’s a super-wave of failed resolutions, January bills, the Christmas financial hangover, perpetual darkness, travel chaos and huge hikes in food and petrol prices. All designed to come together and hit us repeatedly in the face with the Wet Kipper of Woe until we break down and cry.
It doesn’t help that I’m currently suffering menstrual cramps that would floor an elephant and my face is spottier than a hormonal teenager’s mush. My hair is greasy, and I feel as though I’ve bloated to walrus proportions. All I want to eat is chips, chocolate, pizza and cheese pie but I am on a frickin’ diet, so I can’t. Right now I am nothing more than an angry, painful sack of fluid. Blue f*cking Monday is not helping.
Do you know what else isn’t helping? News articles that tell me ‘how to buck the Blue Monday trend’ and stay happy. Some choice ‘fun’ suggestions include scooping up a snowball, putting it in the office freezer and saving it for summer when you can pelt your unsuspecting colleagues! This prank is more effective if the snowball contains trace elements of dog wee – which, let’s face it, is very likely. Incidentally, this suggestion came courtesy of Dr Brooke Magnanti, blogger and former high-class prostitute Belle de Jour – what a hoot she is!
Dr Magnanit also says that in order to cheer up you can find spirituality! Get a puppy! Have a massage! Sort out your debt in one afternoon! Use exclamation marks to convince yourself you are OVERJOYED AT LIFE!!!!! (excuse me while I hurl my laptop out of the window).
The thing is, I don’t mind a healthy dose of grumpiness. Being happy all the time must be exhausting, and I would question the mental stability of someone who goes through live behaving like a Disney princess. And generally speaking, I tend to avoid chirpy chippy people because I want to kill them after about five minutes. I find it passive aggressive. At least I wear my nark on my sleeve.
Blue Monday may be a media myth, but it does raise serious issues – debt, cost of living, the end of the world as we know it – that absolutely warrant feelings of dread. Because when things make us feel bad, we are motivated to change.
Ah… what do I know? I just want to drown in a big sofa full of duvets with some strong ibuprofen right now…
I might even take a peak at the 10 Natural Ways to Beat the Winter Blues to cheer myself up (!!!!!!!!!!).UK