Arguing in front of children

By Susan Quilliam

Do you ‘row’ behind closed doors or do you let your children see that disagreement is normal? Susan Quilliam lets rip with ways to handle a difference of opinion

Arguments are quite simply a fact of life – ninety per cent of couples have them. But while disagreements between two partners are acceptable, when you
start a family it becomes a whole different ball game.

How should you handle disagreements once you have children? Hide away in the privacy of your own bedroom? Blast off while the little ones are present? Is there anything they can learn from your disagreements? Or is it best to let them believe – at least while they’re very young – that Mummy and Daddy never have a cross word.

Learn to live with difference

The first thing to learn is that there’s absolutely no way you can eradicate all disagreements. The two of you are different people so you will naturally disagree on some things.

So begin by letting go of the idea that the slightest sign of dissent has to be eradicated from your relationship – if you try, you’ll both just get so tense you’ll end up arguing more. Instead, chill out around times and places where you differ. This not only means you’ll argue less. It will also mean that your children will get to be more comfortable with difference – and hence a lot easier to live with.

Develop ways to handle disagreement

Disagreement is only natural – but some ways of handling it are better than others. If you can catch an issue early and talk it through before strong feelings get built up, it’s all a lot easier.

So if you spot something looming, begin by sitting down and talking through what you both need in that situation. ‘How do you want to do this? . . .What do you want here?’ Then brainstorm all the possible solutions you could find. ‘What are the possibilities? Here’s another idea.’ Then negotiate something that works for both of you. ‘Are you
happy with that? I’d really prefer.’ Do this in front of the kids, calmly and energetically, and they’ll learn even more socially useful lessons.

For extra help with these skills, buy Getting to Yes, by Roger Fisher, published by Arrow at £8.99.