How to spot a b*stard by his star sign
Always falling for the bad guy? Keep missing those telltale signs? According to Adele Lang & Susi Rajah's book How To Spot A B*Stard By His Star Sign some men are simply destined to be complete gits
Some men might seem like natural-born b*stards. Other will appear to have grown into the role over a period of time and a life of hard knocks. Don't be fooled. As far as men and their less-appealing characteristics go, genetic make-up and social conditioning have got absolutely nothing to do with it. Put simply, all men are b*stards by dint of their star signs.
- Aries Boy does he yearn for the times when men were men and women were grateful.
- Leo A complete bloody nightmare
- Sagitarrius Past philosphers used a comforting tool: 'I think, therefore I am not Sagittarius'.
- Taurus A typically stubborn Taurean male always knows better than a female. Even when he doesn't.
- Virgo If you're looking for a man that no other woman will ever want to steal, you've finally found him.
- Capricorn The heart of a loan shark, the humour of an undertaker and the sensitivity of a tax auditor.
- Gemini Gemini b*astards are completely and utterly mad.
- Libra Life is getting more complex. The half-flush or the full-flush? The stress is unbelievable.
- Aquarius He seems like any normal bloke. Don't be fooled, the Aquarius is about as 'normal' as a pig with wings.
- Cancer Used to sneak his mother's Barbara Cartland novels when normal boys were shoplifting Hustler.
- Scorpio A sneaky, nasty, controlling b*stard, a master manipulator and a world-class pervert.
- Pisces Quite simply Pisces is a pathological liar.
Aries
English is his second language, grunting is his first. And all he can grunt about is himself, his career, his sporting achievements and how feminists would be a lot less uptight if he gave them a good shag. If the b*stard you fancy puts on Vivaldi in the evening, whips up a nice little souffle a deux and then settles down to read Jane Austen to you, he's almost certainly gay and he's definitely not Aries.
Leo
His entrance will always be preceded with a drum roll. If you miss his entrance you'll find him already strategically positioned under a spotlight. You can't miss him there - not with the two game show hostesses on either side of him pointing him out. You might also notice The Hand Of God above his head scrawling a cloudy message in the air: women of the world, my gift to you. Regards, God. Do the deed on the third date. You'll need to do something to avoid hearing his life story again and sex will shut him up nicely.
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Created: 31/03/2005 Updated: 31/03/2005
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