How to spot a b*stard by his star sign

Sagittarius
Sagittarius does everything back to front. He speaks before he thinks, leaps before he looks and loves you only after you have left him. Which is why when people say Sagittarius is a lucky b*stard, they're dead right. the fact you haven't murdered him yet is a miracle. Blessed with the smarts of a particularly backward brontosaurus and the sort of sexual appetite that even Caligula would deem excessive, the Sagittarian b*stard is compatible with very few women. Not because he's fussy - he's not. It's just that most women prefer a man who thinks with his brain.

Taurus
As the zodiac's number one control freak, Taurus knows what's good for you. Even though he patently isn't. Paradoxically, when he's not running - and therefore ruining - your life, the Taurean b*stard is busy being chronically lazy. His sloth-like ways do not bode well for what we will generously describe as your 'sex-life' with him. If you find yourself with a Taurus our only advice here is to make the most of your rapidly deteriorating mental health by raving like a maniac. That means he'll be forced to stop doing likewise and be helpful for once by rushing round trying to find you a good psychiatrist.

Virgo
Ever wondered what goes on in the mind of a serial killer? Find out what Interpol has been trying to discover for years and date a Virgo b*stard. If you are currently in love with a Virgo and you don't want to believe the truth, pick up any detective novel that features an ice-pick-wielding nutter and then try telling us he doesn't remind you of someone you know and it's all just a bunch of coincidences. If he looks vaguely familiar, that's because he is. You probably saw an artist's sketchy impression on Crimewatch the night before and faintly remember words like 'bludgeoned', 'manhunt' and 'Virgo'.

Capricorn
Capricorn takes everything seriously. He is hard-working and ambitious. He wants to get married and raise a family. He has no problem with the concept and implementation of commitment. He'll even be faithful to you - although this can't be guaranteed as he is a man. But there is a catch. Before whisking you off into the sunset, he has to check your credit rating. And no, he's not joking. He never jokes about money, or anything else come to think of it.

Gemini
A Gemini b*stard has many demons - a multitude of personalities living inside him, each of whom qualifies as a b*stard in his own right. Because Gemini lives amid this turmoil he will continually change his ideas and opinions. What he says today won't mean anything tomorrow and it probably didn't mean much today either. You could see this as a natural result of him having to deal with his conflicting personalities. Or you could see this as a result of him being a two-faced, two-timing, lying b*stard.