How to spot a b*stard by his star sign

Libra
Charmingly boyish, well-dressed - with the nicely blow-dried hair and a vacant look on his face. Not much more than a large Ken doll with movable limbs, he's only appealing to women still under the age of eight. Anyone older will see that he is plastic and empty, with a preference for unrealistically proportioned women. Because he is completely shallow, he lacks the depth required to make a decision or a commitment. The Libra b*stard will never make either.

Aquarius
Aquarius is the most reasonable b*stard you'll ever encounter. In his mind every viewpoint gets a hearing, every belief system has some legitimacy. This, in turn, could lead you to think he is actually more morally superior and ethically sound than the rest of his male peers. Don't be fooled. It makes him different from the other eleven b*stards, not better. Look in the little rubber boats that chase Japanese whaling ships or leaky oil tankers; there'll be at least one half-drowned Aquarius on board. Find him attractive and he'll be completely oblivious to your existence. Ignore him and he'll be all over you.

Cancer
Any boy should have the decency to look visibly embarrassed when Mummy combs his hair and wipes his face with a hanky laced with her own spit. When he's thirty-eight. However we're not talking about a grown man here, are we? We're talking about Cancer. It doesn't actually matter whether you are compatible with a Cancer b*stard. Getting on with him isn't half as important as getting on with the woman who reared him. After all, she's the one responsible for making him the fine figure of a man that he is definitely not today.

Scorpio
Any relationship of any length with a Scorpio b*stard is guaranteed to wreck your emotional health, your self-esteem or, at the very least, your enjoyment of life. Scorpio makes Darth Vader look like Mr Whippy. He'll hold a grudge against you until the day you die. Say you flirt harmlessly with a work colleague of his at the office Christmas party. It won't cross your mind that Scorpio is upset about it until one fine day three years later when he retaliates by sleeping with your maid of honour and your sister just hours before he marries you.

Pisces
Because he's at the arse-end of the zodiac, Pisces is often referred to as the astrological 'rubbish tip'. What this means is he has a little bit of all b*stards in him, which therefore makes him a b*stard twelve times over. This in turn means he's obliged to tell massive fibs so you won't find out the awful truth. Obviously, the quicker off the mark you are, the sooner you'll spot the yawning chasm between fact and ficton and faster you can drop him. Because to be honest, once the thrill of catching him out wears off, you'll begin to resent being a full-time lie0detector on legs.

Order your copy of How To Spot A B*stard By His Star Sign by Adele Lang & Susi Rajah, published by Mainstream Publishing