Our straight talking Lancashire lass takes a sideways look at the daily news.
Based on a true story...
Fancy going to the flicks? I’m not asking you out on a date, it’s a rhetorical question. But I could go to the pictures, I’ve not been for ages! And as such, I was wondering what this year’s blockbusters will be.
Basically, we can look forward to another year of hackneyed sequels tied into any number of film franchises (v. depressing), including The Hangover 2, Transformers 3, Scream 4, and yet another Pirates Of the Caribbean movie. Yawn.
If Hollywood producers fancy something a little different, all they need to do is read the papers for inspiration.
And this is what many agencies are doing right now in the gold rush to sign film rights for the story of the undercover policeman who posed as an environmental activist.
A hunky copper (you can always cast an attractive yet scruffy actor, Sean Bean will do) delves into the climate change anarchist underworld and embraces the Way Of the Crusty. We can throw in a grungy love interest, a clueless wife at home, and add plenty of high-octane tree climbing and JCB dodging.
Ultimately he is forced to betray his Swampy friends in a climatic legal battle. But the case collapses after his cover is blown, the activists win, the power plant is shut and the world is saved. And after some soul-searching and a heartfelt soliloquy the crusty copper gets the girl. And his wife. Actually that bit might need tying up.
Anyway, I took the liberty of perusing the press for other film ideas, and I came up with the following…
The Rom Com: “Love, Wherefore Art Thou?”
This modern day film adaptation of Romeo & Juliet is loosely based on the rollercoaster love life of everybody’s favourite plastic glamour model Katie Price, with ‘hilarious consequences’.
Katie will star as the young and innocent Juliet, whilst husband/not husband/husband (will they just announce their split already?!) Alex Reid will play the part of Romeo, who in this version is a frustrated cage fighter from Hampshire.
The twist is that the entire fairytale faux-mance is played out via Twitter feed and interviews in Hello! Magazine.
The Supernatural Thriller: “Phantom of the O2 Arena”
The O2 Arena in London is haunted by the floating, perfectly-preserved plastic face of Michael Jackson, and visitors to his Neverland Ranch see dancing apparitions of the ghostly singer.
Jackson’s ghost will not rest until Dr Conrad Murray, who plied him with general anaesthetic to help him sleep, is brought to justice.
In the final scene, just as Murray is sent down (let’s face it, he probably will be), Wacko Jacko will rise from the dead along with a load of dancing zombies and Macaulay Culkin (who sees dead people. Moonwalking) to schamoon for the court one last time.