Our straight talking Lancashire lass takes a sideways look at the daily news.
Big Fat Hairy Balls to Valentines Day!
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How does Valentine's Day make you feel? Does it fill you with a warm glow inside because you’re with the love of your life being all snugly and cute? Does it make you feel happy for your fellow loved-up friends who were lucky enough to settle with a gorgeous partner who showers them with gifts, flowers and posh wine? Or does it make you want to hurl the TV out of the window Led Zeppelin style?
Perhaps it doesn’t elicit any reaction at all? Personally, I’m going to spend tonight in the gym, before coming home for a non-romantic meal of beans on toast followed by a The Big Bang Theory session. Simples.
There’s a lot of hype around VD (not to be read as Venereal Disease, btw), and tonnes of hype breeds tonnes of expectation. If you’re doing Valentine's Day then there’s a lot of pressure to get it right.
I’ve had a couple of Valentine disasters. The worst one was with a particularly strange ex-boyfriend who thought it would be *hilarious* to buy me an HIV toy and then tell my family that he gave me AIDS in a B&B in York. So thanks to Valentine's Day I know that STD cuddly toys really do exist. And yes, the relationship folded soon after, quite rightly.
On the other hand, Valentine's Day can be a nuisance if the relationship is out of balance – you know, when you’re really into a guy, and he can take or leave you. Valentine's Day brings this discrepancy sharply into focus - believe me, I know. A couple of years ago I gave one guy I was dating a limited edition Cormac McCarthy anthology, and he gave me a crappy Simpsons card. Message received loud and clear… I should have taken the anthology back!
So these days I don’t bother. It’s more hassle than what it’s worth. But at least I came through relatively unscathed. Spare a thought for poor Vicky Fowles – her online romance cost her over £40,000.
The 59-year-old met a handsome civil engineer and they developed an emotional relationship based on lots of emails and telephone calls, although crucially they never met in person. And after a while he started asking her for money. In three months Fowles had given him her entire life savings. But to make matters worse, he didn’t exist. It was a scam.
I think Valentine's Day is a scam too. Why should be bullied into buying hideous heart-shaped tokens to validate our self-esteem? It’s a Hallmark Holiday that means nothing and only benefits the company shareholders. Are we really that gullible?
Saying that, if a George-Clooney doppelganger Prince Charming was to waltz into my life with roses and champagne I would not complain!
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