Our straight talking Lancashire lass takes a sideways look at the daily news.
Celebrities are strange, this we know. We expect A-list riders containing ‘green M&Ms only’, delusions of grandeur (Bono, I’m talking about you), weird alien-worshipping cults (Tom Cruise) and Charlie Sheen’s Tiger Blood cocktails.
But recently celebrity weirdness has started to affect the lower echelons of Celebesville.
Kerry Katona may have been lipo-sucked to within an inch of her life but now she’s celebrating her divorce from thuggish Mark Croft (seriously, what a scroat!) by indulging in a spot of contour surgery. You know, the procedure that made Celebrity Big Brother contestant Darryn Lyons look like a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle. Fake muscles on a flabby body is not a good look – I’m thinking ‘marbles in a deflated balloon’. But Kerry wants a lumpy belly. Good on her.
Each to their own, you might say? Fair enough. But given that Kerry Katona is single handedly responsible for the UK upsurge in wearing Ugg Boots with pyjamas to Poundland, I’m sure that contouring surgery will become the next big thing. Which is daft. Why not do some sit ups instead?
But Kerry Katona isn’t the only celebrity engaging in cosmetic forms of self-abuse for the sake of fame, youth and the occasional headline.
Have you heard about Simon Cowell’s orgasm-inducing vitamin injections? If that sentence isn’t enough to turn your stomach then there is something wrong with you.
The Middle-Of-The-Road Music Mogul is a big advocate of injecting large amounts of pure vitamins directly into his bloodstream. A bit like a healthy smackhead. Why? Because it makes him look young and it gives people orgasms (vomit). Or so he thinks. Because to me he still looks like he’s knocking on 50. And there’s no point having an intravenous drip with anti-oxidants if you’re going to smoke like a chimney. It’s like using water wings to survive a Tsunami.
And what about Hollywood actress Gwyneth Paltrow smearing snake venom on her face to prevent the signs of aging? I’m sorry Gwyneth, but age happens to us all, and no amount of designer witchcraft will stop it. Potions rammed with venom of snake, eye of newt, or hair of dog will not stop the crows feet. Deal with it, you’re not 23 anymore.
But perhaps the worst example is Heidi Montag, the US reality TV star who famously had 200,000,000 surgical procedures done in one day including bum lift, boob job, new teeth, spinal tap, feet implants, chemical peels, hair ablation therapy, hydro-kerotin-lip-inflatable-explodable injections, botox, eye-lid extensions, armpit lift and a pedicure. The end result? The 25-year-old now looks like a washed-up aging hooker in her final days, but nowhere near as classy.
It’s self-harm born from desperation. I yearn for the day that some celebrity embraces their age in a normal, healthy way. I’m sick of reading about freaks and their freakish over-priced indulgences as if they are the most ordinary things in the world.
Victoria, scrubbing your face with bird poo is not normal. Madonna, exercising for 23 hours a day in super-heated rooms whilst chanting Kabala rituals and pinning your face back with internal string would get a normal person locked up. You only remain at large because you are the Queen of Pop and you are a bit scary.
Me? I’m content with a pot of Nivea and a good nights sleep. It does the job.