Our straight talking Lancashire lass takes a sideways look at the daily news.
Cowell’s in space!
Earlier last year I penned my thoughts about Simon Cowell’s quest for world domination. Specifically the probability that at some point he will stamp the X-Factor logo onto the face of the moon, so that when we look into the night sky we are reminded of just who is lording if over us all.
Of course I was joking. But Simon wasn’t. And now, having conquered Earth the crazed media mogul has his sights set on owning the stars – he is literally going to blast Britain’s Got Talent into space.
So whoever wins the next series of Britain’s Got Talent will be shunted into space courtesy of Richard Branson’s Virgin Galactic spaceship for a truly cosmic performance. They’ll be scuppered if a massive dance troupe like Diversity wins though – although they might get the chance to engage in a spot of Moonwalking.
But if the prospect of a Susan Boyle wannabe caterwauling in space isn’t enough to entice you to stick with another season of BGT, perhaps the fact that Tom Jones wants to be a judge might persuade you to tune in? The aging Welsh heart-throb believes that his soft approach would be a nice antidote to the neurotic wittering of the other judges – and would therefore be better for the children. For they are the future. Treat them well and let them lead the way. What a gentle giant he is.
But lofty ambitions aside, Simon has started to show his more humble side. Marginally. Cowell recently admitted that he can be a bit smug and he got arrogant after the success of 2010. Simon Cowell? Arrogant? Never… The next thing, he’ll try to conquer death and take on the Big Man in the sky. Not the actions of a modest man.
But Darth Cowell isn’t the only high profile personality embracing the Act of Contrition this week. Mark Wahlberg has been forced to apolgise for saying dumb things about 9/11. During a magazine interview Wahlberg reckons that had he been on one of the ill-fated planes then he would have taken the terrorists down.
In his very words: “There would have been a lot of blood in that first-class cabin and then me saying, 'OK, we're going to land somewhere safely, don't worry.”
I don’t think his comments were disrespectful at all, just indicative of Mark’s delusional mind. Does he really believe that he can take on the superhuman abilities that his on-screen characters possess? Methinks he doth.
But anyway, he who casts the first stone and all that… Whilst we’re at it, here is my confession. Forgive me dentist for I have sinned, it has been two years since my last dental check up…
Have a great weekend!