Diary of a stay-at-home dad: playgroups

Recently I had the opportunity to attend an NCT group meeting for new dads called ‘Hit the Ground Crawling.’ We got talking about the daunting experiences that these dads were facing as new parents and, unsurprisingly, playgroups ranked highly.

I certainly remember how uncomfortable I was the first few times I went to playgroup. I felt that I was being silently critiqued by all the other mums (I only saw other dads very occasionally), who seemed so much more competent than me at, well, everything.

All the mums seemed to know each other, even the ones that looked like it was their first time, too. I was all fingers and thumbs. I managed to get even more clumsy under what I perceived to be their watchful gaze. I realised – and not without a twinge of surprise – that I was nervous.

Another one of the many differences to mark me out was that I didn’t use baby talk, like most of the mums and carers. Now of course I realise how trivial that sounds, but try finding a dad that uses baby talk. I never used it. I spoke to my troopers from day one, I read to them, I sang to them and even did some pretty convincing animal impersonations, but I stuck to the English language. I just never got the hang of baby talk. 

So all in all, it wasn’t a relaxing experience. Luckily, neither of my sons shared my reservations. They just got stuck in from day one and absolutely adored it. And because I didn’t want to stop them being in such a stimulating and fun environment, I decided to brave it out, resigning myself to the fact that it was never going to be a cosy experience.

How wrong I was. After a few weeks I began to be referred to as ‘Sam and Jude’s dad’, and within a few months, Neil. I went from nodding and smiling at other mums to actually chatting. I found that the very same people I thought were judgmental and standoffish were actually a mine of information on everything from nappy rash to good local nurseries.

OK, some of them were still judgemental and standoffish, but you can’t please all of the people all of the time. I built a rapport with parents that went regularly (my perception was wrong: they didn’t all know each other after all). In short, I was accepted as one of the gang, and if anyone reading this ever went to the 1 o’clock club in Geraldine Mary Harmsworth Park in Lambeth, they can attest to what a happy gang that was.

So, if you are a new dad feeling a bit nervous at the thought of facing a playgroup with your trooper, you might find this advice useful:

• Expect to feel a bit uncomfortable the first few times you go – it is a new environment for you, and your troopers. Remember that troopers take their lead from you though, so try not to show how uncomfortable you are. Smile. A lot.
   
• Be approachable. Make a point of chatting with other mums and starting a dialogue when you feel more comfortable.
   
• Give it a chance, as it will be good for you. You will be able to get out of base camp and socialise with other parents, and build a support network. Although it is great to let off steam occasionally, don’t fall into the trap of constantly bemoaning how difficult it is to be a parent. You know how difficult it is. Use the play group to find and share excellent and effective strategies that will make the experience enjoyable and rewarding.
   
• Give it a chance, as it will be good for your trooper/s. They will be able to have fun with new playmates and new toys. If you have a trooper under two they may not to play and interact with others consistently, but that’s fine and completely normal. Don’t push them.
   
• Make sure you note your trooper’s favourite toys – you’ll need that information when Christmas and birthdays roll round.
   
• If you still feel uncomfortable after a few weeks, you can always try a new playgroup or even the same playgroup at a different time. A new set of parents will give the playgroup a whole different feel.

But the most important thing to remember is that you don’t need to waste energy feeling nervous if you are the only man at a playgroup. You have the most important thing in the world in common with the other people there: you are all parents.

Neil Sinclair is an ex-Commando and stay-at-home dad to three troopers Samuel, 10, Jude, 9, and Liberty,5.  He has written a no-nonsense parenting book for new recruits to fatherhood – Commando Dad  - due for publication on May 8 2012. www.commandodad.com.