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Bluffer's guide to the World Cup
You're watching the World Cup down the pub and the bloke you want to snog is really into it, but you haven't got a clue what all the fuss is about. The easy way to impress him is to follow this Bluffers Guide
| Situation | What not to say | What to say |
| David Beckham has once again hurt his foot. | 'What's all the fuss about, he's not that good anyway?' | 'That was a disgraceful tackle; I can't believe he hasn't been told to go for an early bath!' |
| England make it to the semi- finals and are drawing with France when the final whistle blows. | 'Oh good, a penalty shootout, we're really good at them.' | 'NOOOOOOOOOO! I can't watch.' (Bury head in hands and rock slightly.) |
| Raging thirst brought on by shouting at match. | 'Anyone fancy half a shandy or white wine spritzer?' | 'My round, who's for a pint then?' |
| Marginal offside decision that would have left Michael Owen with a clear shot at goal. | 'Isn't he little, and so cute.' | 'He was level, for God's sake!' |
| England are playing Argentina when one of the opposition's long-haired strikers scores. | 'Doesn't that Alice band look good on him? I wonder where he gets his roots done.' | 'We can still make it through to the knockout stage. COME ON ENGLAND!' |
| Referee sends off Paul Scholes after a bad tackle almost kills a Swedish midfielder. | 'I'm glad he's gone, he's so ginger he looks sore. It was making my eyes water looking at him.' | 'The heat must've got to him.' |
| Batistuta (the Argentine striker) is rolling around play-acting for a non-existent foul. | 'He looks like he's really hurt. I think the referee should send Sol Campbell off for that.' | 'Get up, you cheating scumbag!' |
| Germany and England are drawn to meet in the semi-finals | 'Well, that's it then, we're going out for sure.' | 'Remember Munich.' |
| England win the World Cup. | 'We didn't deserve that.' | 'IT'S COMING HOME, IT'S COMING HOME. FOOTBALL'S COMING HOME!' (Hug everyone.) |