Domestic Abuse: How to help a friend or family member who is being abused

Refuge Logo If someone close to you is being abused it's difficult to know how to respond. Here are some key points to remember:

Support an abused woman in a non-judgmental way, by acknowledging the difficulty she is facing and reminding her of her strengths. Remember it takes courage to live with an abuser and even more courage to leave Don't tell her what to do Empower her by making her aware of the options and choices available Provide her with useful information and facts so she can make an informed choice Make sure she knows that domestic violence is against the law

Remember, your friend may not realise she is being abused and she may wrongly be blaming herself. She may also have strong feelings for and be dependent on her partner, emotionally and financially, and may feel the need to protect him from negative comments.

How to broach the subject
If you suspect a friend or family member is being abused but she hasn't confided in you yet, you might want to try to ask her a few questions eg 'You don't seem yourself recently, are things OK at home?', 'Are you frightened of your partner?' If appropriate, ask her if she'd like to talk.

Tell her that the abuse is not her fault. You cannot make one person hit another person. Violence is a choice and only the perpetrator is responsible. Remind her that thousands of women are abused every day of their lives and stress that it's nothing to be ashamed of.

Be positive and direct her to the help that is available.

Once the subject is in the open
Non-judgemental support and a listening ear are the most valuable things you can offer.
Don't tell her she should leave or criticise her for staying. Only she knows her partner and the risks involved Do tell her that she is believed and that she should not feel ashamed Reassure her, let her know you're there for her Don't judge her or criticise her partner. This could alienate her and make her feel she is foolish for choosing him Never intervene physically. Contact the police if you witness physical violence or if she is in immediate danger. The police can investigate and arrest if appropriate Encourage her to get in touch with an organisation such as Refuge (call the 24 hour National Domestic Violence Freephone Helpline 0808 2000 247, run in partnership with Women's Aid). It can offer confidential, practical and emotional support or visit www.refuge.org.uk

Remember to let her make her own decisions. Leaving a relationship is a process. Encourage her to make her own decisions at her own pace.

Domestic violence isn't a private family matter - it is against the law and must not be ignored. A woman, and her children, have the right to be safe in their own home.

By helping someone experiencing domestic violence, you are helping end the problem.

To donate visit www.refuge.org.uk

Further reading: Power and Control: Why charming men can make dangerous lovers, by Sandra Horley Refuge Chief Executive.