Endometriosis - the partner's perspective
More often than not, trying to conceive is focussed very heavily on the woman. After all, it is her cycle that needs to be monitored for signs of ovulation, and it is her body’s hormonal interactions that will determine whether a fertilised egg is able to implant or not.
Sure, the man can take an active role in ensuring he has a healthy diet and lifestyle, to produce the best quality sperm he can, but it seems nowhere near as complex as what happens in the woman’s body.
Indeed, all the fertility books I have read, though mentioning the man’s role, are written in a way that highly engages the woman but disinterests the man. I have often tried to tell my husband about the things I have learnt from these books, usually all I receive is a quick ‘yes dear,’ or ‘how lovely’, rather than a proper discussion over the matter.
That’s not to say he isn’t really interested, because he is. He has actually done his own research, in his own way, over the past few months and often surprises me with what he knows about this whole thing. It’s just he sees it in a different light, and what I see as ‘disinterest’ is actually just a feeling of detachment from what is happening.
You see, for the man, baby-making is a process that is hard to fully understand or experience. A woman has access to all sorts of internal feelings, ranging from physical symptoms that could suggest ovulation or possible pregnancy, through to emotional highs and lows caused by the changing hormones throughout her cycle. For a man this can be baffling, because on the outside the woman may look and act exactly the same as she always has.
When I asked my husband for his thoughts on the matter, he found it hard to know where to start. It wasn’t that he didn’t want to help me with this week’s article, it was just he had no idea what I was looking for. Too often I expect a response from him, without properly explaining myself, and it takes quite a lot of cajoling to get an answer.
This is not his fault, in any way. I just get so caught up in my own world and the things going on inside my body that I sometimes forget that to him there has been no real change. Which is why, during our conversation, one of his key points was that he felt very detached from the entire process.
Of course he wants a baby, and of course he is excited to know when I am most likely to be fertile, but he cannot experience it in the same way. And this is just the beginning, it can only become more pronounced when a woman falls pregnant and her body starts changing almost immediately. She may be perfectly aware of every ache and twinge in her body, but the man faces nine months of watching his baby (and partner) grow from a very detached point of view.
And because of this, he often feels like he needs to be the one to ‘keep it real’ and maintain a level of normality. For instance, when I start getting symptoms and think ‘maybe I’m pregnant’, he feels it is his duty to say ‘but don’t get your hopes up too high’. For him, the look of disappointment on my face if the test turns out negative is far worse than my complaints that he isn’t letting me just enjoy dreaming for a while.
It has taken several conversations for me to realise that behind all these comments is a real sense of excitement too. He really is genuinely looking forward to hearing the words ‘I’m pregnant’ and preparing our lives for a new addition to the family. But for the moment, he sees his job as keeping me sane, and remaining in the ‘real world’ while I head off into dreams of bumps, babies and bliss.
So, if your partner seems less than enthusiastic about all the things you present him with on a daily basis, try not to jump to the conclusion that he doesn’t care about this as much as you do. It is simply his defence mechanism, to ensure that he is prepared to support you if your dreams don’t come true as quickly as you would have liked. And, after all, isn’t that the greatest gift that he could give?
Catch up on my situation by reading last week's article and visit the Pregnancy and Baby Channel next week when I'll be looking at positive mental attitude.
If you are affected by any of the issues in this article, you may be interested in sharing your experiences, in confidence, with other like-minded women on our Message Boards.
Comments
This is a great post about an often neglected topic. Thanks for sharing your insights about it.
I've confused my husband's logical mind for insensitivity many a time. It's an easy thing to do. I have realized it's neither fair nor accurate though. We show our emotions in far different ways, and that's just the way it is. Neither of us are right or wrong. My acceptance of this fact has brought us closer together.