An essential guide to modern-day parenting

Online and out of sight?

You might dismiss social media as a waste of time - but the fact is, it’s how today’s teens communicate out of school. If your child is on Facebook (and under-13s shouldn’t be) remind them that anything they post can be pasted and used in ways they hadn’t intended, and that they should avoid posting snipey comments about people.

‘It didn’t occur to Sophie that an ill-thought-out Facebook comment - basically, slagging off one of her youth club leaders - would lead to tears and her being banned from the club,’ says her mother Tori, 46.

It’s easy to be caught up in the heat of the moment, so remind your child to think carefully before they post. For online safety advice, visit www.thinkuknow.co.uk - and get your teen to check it out too.

See also:

• Are you helping or hurting your child's behaviour?

Pushing those boundaries

As modern parents, we like to think we have open and honest relationships with our kids. So it comes as a shock when we discover they’ve been deceitful or are refusing to stick to simple rules.

The worst thing you can do is lecture, as teens tend to stop listening if they feel they’re being nagged. So try to keep questions open and not accusatory (for example, ‘How was the party last night?’ rather than, ‘I know what you were up to last night’).

If possible, help your child to come to his own conclusions about his behaviour. For exmaple, ‘If you stay up really late chatting online, how do you think you might feel next day?’

See also:

• Are you helping or hurting your child's behaviour?

Teen temptations

Half of young people admit they’ve been drunk by the age of sixteen, according to a study for the Joseph Rowntree Foundation, whilst in the US, cannabis use among teens is rapidly increasing, as it’s often regarded as ‘harmless.’

So what to do? Try to create a home environment where your child feels they can talk openly and share any worries, as well as clueing yourself up on the possible effects of drug use, as such skunk and the more potent cannabis varieties.

Make an effort to lead by example, too: the Joseph Rowntree study suggests that teens are twice as likely to drink heavily if they’ve seen their parents drunk. For more info, visit www.drinkaware.co.uk/teenagers-alcohol.

See also:

• Are you helping or hurting your child's behaviour?

Who’s got her number?

When your child gets her first phone, make sure she’s aware of a few safety measures such as never giving her number to anyone she doesn’t know, and not answering calls from numbers she doesn’t recognise.

Unfortunately, mobiles are often used by bullies: if your child receives nasty or abusive texts, tell her to never respond, to save the text and always tell you (or another trusted adult). Mobiles are a great way to keep in touch with your child, but make sure she treats hers with care, never lending it out or being pressurised to tell anyone her PIN number or password.

See also:

• Are you helping or hurting your child's behaviour?

Let the battle commence…

Today’s emphasis on expensive material possessions can turn your home into a battlefield. Whereas children might once have bickered over ‘borrowed’ clothes and CDs, the potential to tamper with each other’s laptops and iPods means there’s much to fight over.

Set firm ground rules that your children mustn’t help themselves to each other’s things without asking permission. Encourage them to consider how they’d feel if someone took things from their room, and try to teach each family member respect the privacy of others.

See also:

• Are you helping or hurting your child's behaviour?

‘Why can’t I be like her…?’

Our obsession with celebs has reached fever pitch, and the explosion of TV talent shows has made ‘being famous’ seem hugely desirable (in one study, sports star, pop star and actor rated as the top three career aspirations for under elevens, whereas teacher, banker and doctor topped the charts 25 years ago).

While there’s no harm in dreaming, do encourage your child to adopt a healthy attitude towards celebrity culture, pointing out that those glamorous images are often digitally retouched, and that in real life, no one’s perfect.

There are enough pressures out there without your child feeling that she, too, must have a gym-honed body, a year-round tan and a pair of designer sunglasses…

See also:

• Are you helping or hurting your child's behaviour?

Girl talk

Puberty is happening earlier these days, with breast development typically starting at around ten years old (that’s a year earlier than twenty years ago).

With girls as young as eight starting their periods, it’s important to chat to your daughter about all aspects of puberty - her changing body and feelings, and what periods are and how to manage them.

Primary-aged children are often embarrassed about taking pads to school, so talk about the best way to manage this. Perhaps she could keep hers in a discrete purse or bag, in her schoolbag? Above all, make sure you’re there to answer questions, and reassure her that everything’s happening just the way it should.

See also:

• Are you helping or hurting your child's behaviour?

Losing a loved one

Being honest and open with our children is great - but what happens when his questions are hard to answer?

For instance, whereas a death in the family might once have been brushed off with an ‘Auntie’s gone to Heaven’, today’s children are more likely to have a whole raft of questions (‘Why? How do you know? What did she die of?’).

Try to encourage questions and discussion, while helping your child to realise there’s no right or wrong way to feel. www.crusebereavementcare.org.uk has lots of advice, including a section on helping children through grief.

See also:

• Are you helping or hurting your child's behaviour?

Where’s your baby gone…?

When it seems like only yesterday that she was building dens and playing chase, it’s unnerving when your daughter becomes mad for lipgloss and eye liner.

Yet there’s a big difference in playing with make-up for fun - and going out with a fully made-up face.

If you think she’s placing too much emphasis on her appearance, point out that benefits of going bare-faced: ‘I played up to her vanity and explained that wearing make-up too often causes spots,’ says Lorraine, 40, mum to ten year-old Leila. ‘She now realises that it’s better kept for special occasions only.’

See also:

• Are you helping or hurting your child's behaviour?
   

‘Hang on, just a minute…’

While our own parents were undoubtedly busy, their work was less likely than ours to spill over into precious family time.

Technology has made it incredibly difficult to switch off and be unavailable to colleagues: according to a survey by insurance company Admiral, we log onto work-related emails when we get home at least four nights a week. Yet those emails can wait until tomorrow, and mobile phones can be switched off.

Often, it’s a matter of establishing firm boundaries and making colleagues aware that, out of office hours, family comes first.

See also:

• Are you helping or hurting your child's behaviour?

Keeping fears in perspective

Of course, with all the pressures we face, it’s easy to forget what’s great about parenting today. We have more resources and info at our fingertips - plus, in our open culture, we’re more likely to talk to friends honestly, rather than pretending everything’s okay.

Try to bear in mind that most children and teens who go online do so perfectly safely, and that our offspring are often more savvy than we give them credit for. While it’s natural to feel concerned in a fast-changing world, we shouldn’t let our fears take all the joy and fun out of raising a family.

See also:

• Are you helping or hurting your child's behaviour?