Expert advice: teens at home

Pyschologist and iVillage.co.uk blogger Dr. Pam Spurr helps us deal with the teenage issues that affect life in the home: chores, freedom, sibling relationships and family communication

Overall you set the tone for a generally happy or unhappy atmosphere, and levels of stress at home. That said, during adolescence children can be unreasonable and obstinate, sometimes for no apparent reason. Hormonal changes have long been held responsible for a great deal of this moodiness, which they are. But in addition, recent research shows that adolescents' brains go through a big period of adjustment. During this time teens find it harder to empathise with others and to understand your emotions. They literally can't 'read' if your face is frustrated and angry, or simply concerned. This makes communication even more difficult.

Sleep research also shows teens need a greater amount of sleep which many parents take as laziness. However this need for extra sleep will be compounded if you haven't set boundaries on how late they stay up!

Here are some general principles to apply to the way you run your household:

Ask your teenager about their opinion and views in general conversations

By encouraging them to think through issues generally, and express their beliefs, they will be better equipped to do this at home, as issues arise.

Explore with them what they think are the positive things about their home life and what they'd like to change

They may come up with some interesting suggestions!

Raise your expectations!

If you're expecting problems from them you'll probably get problems. It's easy when you've had some difficulties with your teenager to expect these to continue. By expecting the best you may just raise the bar for their behaviour.

Don't fear your teen

Worry and anxiety are acceptable, but if you've got into a situation where you fear your teen's reactions or behaviour, than seek help from a professional.

Chores and responsibilities

As children grow into the teenage years they should take on more and more responsibility. However if you haven't been getting them into the 'helpful habit', you'll find it very hard to suddenly get your teenager to take on household chores.

Sit down together and make out a list of basic chores. Talk through who best can do what and at what time. Once you've formed a basic schedule, write it out clearly and post on your fridge door.

I'm a firm believer that pocket-money should be based on having completed delegated chores. Your teen will not learn about the real world, and you won't be doing them any favours, if you let them get away with doing nothing and then pay them for it!

If you notice chores left undone, calmly but firmly state that they must be done by 'X' time. If they're not done by that time, subtract money from their weekly sum. You can agree in advance how much will be taken off. For example, if their pocket money is £10 a week, after discussion with them you might agree that each chore undone is £2 off that sum. They soon learn it can make a difference not doing chores! Negotiating such things in advance is far better than arguing over pocket money at the end of a week when various chores have been left undone. And as you've made them part of this process then they're taking on responsibility for their own behaviour.

Freedom and privacy

Just as you value your freedom and privacy so too does your teen. Always knock before entering their room - you should really start this from age nine or ten.

Don't listen in to their phone conversations.

Although you should know who their friends are and make a welcoming atmosphere in your home, you should not quiz them about every move they make. For basic safety you always know roughly where they are and what time they'll be home. And they should give you a courtesy call if they're running late.

On a practical level, keep a note pad by the phone or in the kitchen where you write each other notes about your movements. There's a big difference between such basic safety measures and intrusion into their right to privacy.

However, all this changes if you suspect they are unhappy, being bullied, drinking, taking drugs, or having sex too early. If you have such worries, sit them down and talk them through. Hysterics won't help, where a confident tone of voice will.

If you find your child has been doing something like truanting, or taking drugs, then their privileges should be curtailed, and their freedoms more limited, and you may consider getting advice from a professional.

When it comes to having friends visit, as a group they may want to socialise in your child's bedroom. However when it comes to boyfriends/girlfriends, do encourage an open bedroom-door policy, or for them to stay in the family areas.