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Self-esteem and passing on to kids?
Hi Susie,
I've never had good self-esteem. I'm learning to deal with it and while, in many ways I am far more confident than I was during my early 20s, I still have self-esteem niggles that I can't see myself ever getting over. I look back and still see the 13-year-old-me in my current 27-year-old self. I don't mind this - I like the fresh outlook on life and willingness to learn that I still have but I didn't think I would still have hang-ups about the same old things at this age.
Do you believe we can truly move on? Or do you think we just learn to live with or bury these sorts of issues?
If it's the latter, then that would worry me when I come to have children. My Mum always tells me how gorgeous I am (which is lovely of her) but I have to believe in myself (I'm not just talking about looks, of course) and I'd want to pass on that positivity and confidence to my future children. I'd feel so sad if they felt as bad as I occasionally do.
I'm not sure precisely what my question is but I suppose I want to know if self-esteem can be learned and, if so, how can you help your kids avoid your own mistakes?
Thanks for your help.
CCx
The thing about self-esteem is that if you don't have enough of it, you actually have to learn to relate differently to yourself in order to build up a new sense of yourself. It won't come all at once, but if you really practise being kind to yourself, then a new confidence will emerge and it will be there for you to pass on when you have children.
But how to do it?
Try really taking in what your Mum says about being lovely. Don't reject the feeling but for 30 seconds try believing it. You need to get some positive feelings (and good hormones) going through your body. It changes your perspective. Then once you have done it, consider reminding yourself of this every hour without saying, it's just Mum, she would say that. If you sit with the feeling, it will change you positively. If you can't do it today, do it tomorrow or the next day but try it.
You could also list the specific things you actually like about yourself - your sensitivity, or sticking power or whatever attributes you feel you have. These attributes should not be underestimated: they make you who you are. You need to give as much attention to these parts of you as you do to the 'negative' bits.
As for those difficult bits of you, the parts you don't quite admire or wish they weren't there, try to accept them rather than banish them. We all have vulnerabilities or aspects of self we don't like from a sharp tongue to being wimpish. These ways of being arise for reasons and they defended us at one point. They aren't all of us but just a part and when we feel more confident we can often notice that they fade away.
Even though you are not a teenager, you and your Mum might find the booklet TALK TO HER available at www.campaignforrealbeauty.co.uk or through the Careline 0800 085 1548 helpful. It has some guidance for how to build confidence.
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