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Anorexia: the real story
What drives a bright teenager with everything to live for to anorexia? Author of Thin, Grace Bowman, tells her story of living with anorexia nervosa
When I was 18, I decided to go on a diet. I'd never dieted before, but in the build-up to my A-levels, I'd put on weight and wanted to lose it. I decided to cut out chocolate and fast food. I lost some weight and felt better and more in control. But rather than stopping there, accepting that I'd lost the half stone I needed, I continued.
Within a couple of months I was obsessed by food. I turned inwards. I was quieter, more withdrawn. I lied to my family and friends about what I had eaten; I avoided the house at meal times. I secretly put the food I was offered in the bin. I was suddenly afraid of food; scared of putting on weight in case I crashed out of control.
Lack of confidence
This was more than a diet gone wrong. In the months leading up to the diet I had put pressure on myself to perform at school. Success did not breed confidence; it masked my lack of it.
When everything felt out of place, my body was something I could control. Being thin was desirable. Thin meant perfect, popular and successful. I was desperate to be liked. I decided that, if nothing else, people would think of me as thin. I used the diet to try and fix my lack of self-esteem.
My parents took me to the doctor. They came to realise that this was more than a teenage phase. I had no idea what was happening to me. I knew I was obsessed by food but couldn't diagnose why. I felt lacking in energy, but wholly focused. I got top marks in my A-levels and was heading for university, until the doctor made the diagnosis of anorexia nervosa and I was told I couldn't go. I spent the next year battling my addiction, with my weight dropping to five and a half stone.
Destructive illness
I was permanently cold; my hair fell out, my periods stopped, veins and bones protruded out of my body. I knew that this illness was destructive and painful not only to me, but to my friends and family too. But the flipside of anorexia - weight gain - was still too petrifying.
My parents were incredibly supportive throughout. They did not blame me, instead, they read up on anorexia. They came to understand that it was not about food but feelings. They tried their hardest to help me. I was defensive and self-absorbed. Beneath this I was desperately afraid and so the fact that they were there for me, even when my behaviour seemed irrational, was hugely important.
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Created: 19/12/2006 Updated: 30/01/2007
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