Learn to let go of past pain!

One of the most important ways of achieving emotional and psychological well-being is to be able to live in the present having learnt from the past. Many people, particularly women, find it hard to prevent the past from clouding their judgement or damaging their well-being.

Finding it hard to let go of the past can be about many things. For example, it can be reflected in a repeated cycle of unhappy relationships. Perhaps an unhappy relationship that isn't explored and dealt with leads you to choose unsuitable partners in future because you don't expect anything better. Or if you've grown up with an alcoholic father you may find yourself attracted to alcoholics, who cause you great pain. By perpetuating unhappy feelings in this way the past controls your present.

Painful events
Another one of the main ways that the past can have an unhappy influence over our lives is when we simply can't let go of a hurt, pain, and/or anger from past experiences. Everyone experiences painful events ranging from bereavement, to broken relationships, to having been bullied. The potential for unhappy experiences is endless, and it's how we deal with these that counts.

As the hurts and pain of life can't be completely avoided it's important to face these challenges, heal yourself where necessary, learn from them and then move on. This is where many get stuck. When hurt and pain are allowed to take over your life, anger and bitterness often develop.

Wherever your past hurt, pain or anger springs from, you can learn to let go of it. The golden rule to remember is that you may not be able to control events happening to you, like the death of someone you love, or sharing an office with a spiteful colleague. However you can be in charge of your response to such events.

Letting-go techniques

• 1. Identification
  Sit down and take the time to identify what event/experience from the past causes you a negative emotion. Make an honest assessment of this. For example, you may identify the way your first boyfriend broke your heart by cheating on you as the root of long-held pain.
• 2. Think in ink
  Write a letter to yourself to help you set boundaries on this old hurt. Using this example of the cheating ex-boyfriend you'd write something like, 'When I was younger I made the choice to have a relationship with a man who wasn't worthy of me. He wasn't honourable or respectful and yet I let him into my life. We're all allowed to make such mistakes. What I'll learn from this is never to let anyone treat me like that again. I suffered a great deal from his actions and have continued to let myself feel this pain. From now on I'll no longer let his hurtful behaviour affect me.' Re-read this letter when you feel that old hurt welling up to remind yourself that you're entitled to move forward.
• 3. Talking cure
  You might decide that the pain/hurt that negatively impacts on your life simply needs to be talked through. For example, I come across many people who've been bereaved but 'shut down' their painful emotions because they felt they must carry on with things like their work and their children. They then find that deeply unhappy feelings resurface from time-to-time and often when they least expect it. Sometimes simply acknowledging that their grief was put 'on hold' and needs to be explored and talked through with loved ones, can help them draw a line and move forward.

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