An iVillager describes the realities of cancer treatment

Trying to laugh
Throughout the early stages of treatment I tried to remain positive and upbeat, laughing at myself and comparing my head to a boiled egg once I took of my wig. But it was hard remaining smiley all the time. I missed having cuddles in the middle of the night when the miseries really hit me (I am divorced and live on my own with 2 cats). The sickness was hard to manage even with all the anti-sickness medication they could give me.

Then two weeks before Christmas I developed viral meningitis and was in hospital until Christmas Eve - just wishing that I could die. I was miserable, had a thumping headache plus aches and pains from the drugs. If this was what it was all about then I didn't really want to play any more.

An unwelcome surprise
February, just before my last chemo: I had a perforated bowel and went back into hospital again but then?it was finished, apart from 6 weeks radiotherapy. I could look forward to some life again, I thought.

But no. The bloody disease decided to give me another little surprise in June, almost a year later. There was bone spread in my shoulder and ribcage - so more radiotherapy for the pain and on with life again. This time I wasn't the happy-go-lucky person I had once been. I was getting fed up when yet another person said, 'But you look so well' when I felt like I-don't-know-what.

Even the treatment, which is supposed to help, makes you sick. I sustained heart damage, possibly chemo or radiotherapy induced but whatever - it just meant more tablets. By then I was up to 18 per day. I also developed diabetes two years afterwards; we will never know whether that was due to the treatment either. The drugs makes me sick and some are talked about as being possibly dangerous. But I suppose that all in all they are what keep me relatively pain-free and alive.

New developments
Now, this year I have developed yet more bone spread - I had my reconstruction in February and that hasn't done for me what I thought it would. My new breasts are not me and the right one is giving me problems.

And to cap it all, I've just had a chest xray and am getting a CT scan as there is something else not right.

I am not going to say that it is all roses and how well I have coped because I haven't. I have been down and really depressed and still get periods when every little ache and pain is yet another wandering tumour, but I am still alive to tell the tale.

Jane Inman's treatment continues