The impact of infertility

I was a longed-for child, born after twelve years of trying. And I used to think I was unusual. But, actually, infertility – whether temporary or permanent – doesn't affect just one couple in a million. A staggering one in six couples in Britain has problems conceiving.

Bad news

Couples start off hopeful, make love to make babies – until it gradually dawns, after a few months, that nothing's happening.

Then begins a flurry of desperate measures. Lovemaking needs to be timed for the best chance of conceiving – my mum used to ring my dad whenever the thermometer showed she was ovulating, and get him to rush home from work so they could do the necessary.

But, pretty soon, anticipation turns to concern, turns to downright worry – and at that point, one in seven couples seeks medical advice, and learns the worst – that there is a problem. Such news has a deep impact on both partners, and on their relationship.

If you learn that you have problems conceiving:

• Go easy on yourselves. You didn't choose to have this problem – it is absolutely not your fault. And it doesn't mean you are not a true man, or a real woman. So avoid guilt or blame – and if your partner gets guilty or angry, challenge it.
• Expect to feel emotional, and you should support each other to let that emotion out. Try not to put up barriers with each other – confide even your deepest fears.
• Offer lots of reassurance – both of you may fear that the other will leave because of these problems. Keep reaffirming your love – in words and cuddles.
• Stand together against the world. Others may make insensitive comments: ‘Are you firing blanks?’... ‘When are we going to hear the patter of little feet?’ – either ignore them, or explain, depending on what you’ve decided will work for you.