Help with shouting and clashing

"I have a 14-year-old daughter and we were really close until she hit 13 and ever since it’s as if we can’t have a ingle conversation about ANYTHING without it ending in a slinging match. The thing is I know it’s not just her it’s me as well, we just seem to clash constantly. Every day I wake up and think 'today it will be different' and I try to hold my tongue, count to 10 and stay calm but she ramps things up and doesn't seem satisfied until we're yelling, then she can flounce off. She’s always posting things on Facebook about how I’m doing her head in and I hate the way she sees me, I just don't know how to stop it."

 

This is just so honest of you to admit that you get drawn in to the arguments and conflicts - so that means you’re half way there!

 

Part of the transition during this time of change is that as parents you have been used to making all the important and critical decisions for your children – up until now. You’ve got used to having your views, judgments, values and beliefs accepted with no argument or challenges. You’ve got used to being obeyed and listened to without question. 

 

But now your young adult who is emerging like a chrysalis out of its pupa is asking more questions, challenging your views, exploring your values and taking you out of your comfort zone. 

 

It’s an uncomfortable time for you. You probably find that your teenager is constantly pushing your boundaries – wanting more independence and wants more freedom and more choices. 

 

Suddenly their mates, their friends or their music and clothes are more important than their family, schoolwork or grandparents and there’s no ‘naughty step’ for teenagers! 

 

I think it’s about you becoming more flexible, confident and clear about what’s acceptable and not acceptable to you and it’s all about looking for new ways to be flexible but still in overall charge handling the changes, challenges and frustrations that bringing up a teenager offers you as they strive for independence. 

 

You can close down, hide behind your newspaper and pretend it’s not happening OR you can relax, remain curious and open-minded about new ways to parent your maturing young adult and enjoy the adventure together building bridges not walls. 

 

I think it’s helpful to know that the underlying energy undermining the teenage years is a push for increasing freedom to explore life, friendships and experiences away from potential interference from you. So one key aspect is to get curious about exploring how you handle these flashpoints of conflict between the two of you. 

 

Just grab a piece of paper and jot down the triggers – as you may notice a pattern – is it when you are stressed, just home from work tired, or your daughter is hungry, tired or emotional after a bad day at school ?

 

By just being aware of the triggers may help you pre-empt them. 

 

 

My Pause Button Technique is a really simple way to empower all parents no matter what situation they find themselves in, as it allows you to press your imaginary pause button, freeze time and consider the consequences of the actions you are about to take, before making a more informed, better choice.

 

Imagine you have picked up the remote control button to your DVD player and you simply press the PAUSE button when you feel yourself losing your temper, or losing your patience, or getting wound up by your kids. 

 

This simple action will freeze frame the situation so that you can take a moment to detach yourself from the immediate situation that you find yourself in.

 

Now ask yourself: What do I want to happen next?