Dr Pam's love clinic

Each week, award-winning radio presenter, agony aunt, sex and relationship advisor, and life coach Dr Pam Spurr will be advising iVillagers on real-life love and sex issues. Check back every week to read her latest words of wisdom

He's too pushy about oral sex

By Dr. Pam Spurr on 18 Jan 2012 No comments

Dear Dr. Pam,

I’ve been with my boyfriend for five months and things are going well - he’s a really great guy and we get along fantastically. Our sex life is good apart from one thing: he gets too pushy when he wants a blow job. I don’t mind giving him head but sometimes he does that annoying thing of practically shoving my head ‘down there’ and then he gets a bit intense and pushes my head against him as I do it - this I particularly don’t like! It makes me feel like I’m not doing what he wants and I feel like he expects me to give him deep throat - which isn’t something I have ever had to do before (I wouldn’t know where to start and I don’t think I want to)! I don’t think he realises what he’s doing, I think he gets carried away and I don’t know how to tell him I don’t like it, without making him feel bad or causing an awkward situation. What should I do?

Dear 'Don't want to blow it',

Right now loads of women around the country are thinking, 'OMG this is so what happens with my man!' You're going to feel a lot of solidarity with this one.

To be fair to the guys, most of them don't realise how much pressure they put a partner under with this sort of behaviour. They get lost in the moment and just think about how wonderful it'd feel with your lips wrapped around their manhood - and it deep inside your mouth.

And this is why part of the solution is talking about it. But before that I must say I sincerely hope he's repaying the favour - it's just plain bad bedroom manners to expect oral sex but not to give it back.

On to a solution:

Let's begin with you and your pleasure - just in case he's not going down on you then the next time he asks you to tell him you’d love him to go down on you first. You can do this in a very positive, sexy way - and without looking like you're trying to make a point.
The next time you’re going to give him a blow job, casually say it makes it harder to focus on giving ‘good technique’ when he's pushing your head. Tell him you want to give him the best ever oral but you need to do it in your own way.
Then innocently suggest that if he needs more pressure/friction that he manually stimulates himself while you lick around the edge of his glans (the head of his penis). This way if he really does need a lot more friction he can provide it by hand rather than pushing you down so much that you feel you're going to deep throat without even wanting to.
If he doesn't get the message - that you want to give him oral but you want to do without feeling like you're going to choke - have a straightforward chat about it. I say ‘straightforward’ because sex/sexual technique can be so tricky for people to talk about that if you make a great big huge discussion of it, it makes both people feel anxious.

Being straightforward and saying something like, 'I can't deep throat but I really want to please you but when you put pressure on the back of my head it makes it tricky,' would be a straightforward way of talking about it.So often we build these things up in our heads to a big problem when if we mention it in a straightforward way the other person suddenly ‘gets’ what's going on. And in this case he'll suddenly realise that to get a much better blow job he shouldn't try and force you to do it with too much pressure.

Final tip: definitely have fun with lots of oral sex - licking, sucking, nibbling, etc. - but that doesn't mean you have to take it all the way until he ejaculates or you climax. If you have any issues with the pressure it might take to bring him to climax then moving on to full penetrative sex before that point will take pressure off you.

Good luck and have fun, Dr Pam x

For loads more advice, Dr Pam's latest sex-and-love guide is available on Amazon.

Also visit www.drpam.co.uk

Have you got a sex or relationship problem? Email Dr Pam at pam.spurr@nbcuni.com