Dr Pam's love clinic

Each week, award-winning radio presenter, agony aunt, sex and relationship advisor, and life coach Dr Pam Spurr will be advising iVillagers on real-life love and sex issues. Check back every week to read her latest words of wisdom

His criminal behaviour breaks my heart

By Dr. Pam Spurr on 21 Feb 2012 No comments

Question: Dear Dr. Pam,

I have been with my partner for six years and I have two children. I feel that I am last on his list - his priorities are money, dogs, then me and my kids. We used to live together until he went to prison and got a four year sentence (he is 43 and still leading his criminal life). He tells me that he will give up his criminal behaviour but - since I know money is more important to him - I know this isn’t true.

I have asked him to put more effort into our relationship as I want a full time partner and dad to my kids, he agreed and went back on his word by only visiting weekends so I confronted him and his excuse was he forgot (to visit during the week). I’ve had umpteen conversations with him about our relationship and made my feelings clear but it seems, no matter what I do or how I feel, it just doesn't seem to be important to him. He was arrested again recently which hurt me, I have walked out of this relationship so many times and gone back because I love him, he has asked me to marry him five times and I’ve turned him down because of his lifestyle. when I am with him I get hurt and when I am without him I am hurt so I can’t win and find it really hard to break away...

Dear 'criminal behaviour',

If you had a friend who wrote you this e-mail I think you know exactly what you would say. You'd say she's gone around and around in circles over six long years. And that in those six years it's not just you who has suffered but your children. When there is so much heartbreak and animosity over a long period of time children absorb it like emotional-sponges.

Here are a few thoughts:

You say when you're ‘with him you're hurt’ and when ‘you're without him you're hurt’. But I can guarantee you this one truth: for as long as you stay with him you’ll always be hurting. If you finally leave him your hurt will diminish within a number of months.

That really is a guarantee. It's painful to break up and sometimes even more so from a dysfunctional relationship because your feelings are so twisted and confused. But even after the most painful breakup healing eventually starts.

You need to ask yourself a question: what keeps you in such a destructive relationship? One so hurtful that you know deep down it must affect your children. What is it in you that thinks this is all you deserve and you could never find better?

One answer might be that as a child you grew up with parents who were in a painful relationship. You came to equate love with hurt and pain. Another answer might be because you fear being single and lonely more than being in a painful relationship.

Or it might be one of many other answers - if you start with a little self-understanding about why you've allowed this to continue you will probably be able to move on and slightly carve out a new life.

Here are a few tips:

Start strengthening your life outside of this relationship. Re-build bridges with friends and family. The stronger your outside-relationships are, the more strength they will give you to move on.
Start developing interests, job skills, etc., outside of the home. It's the same principle - the more you have going on outside of this relationship the better you feel about yourself and the easier it will be to leave.
Begin to say things that you will actually follow through with him. For instance, I'm sure you've threatened time and time again to leave him. But you haven't. So he probably doesn't take anything you say very seriously. So if you say you're not hanging around if he doesn't call you when he says he will, etc. - don't hang around! Do as you say you will do, so he starts taking you more seriously.

Final tip: look at your two children and seriously consider the effect this relationship might have on them. This might give you even more strength to resolve to get out of it and become a strong, independent single woman who might just meet a nicer man down the line.

Wishing you strength and luck, Dr Pam x

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