Dr Pam's love clinic

Each week, award-winning radio presenter, agony aunt, sex and relationship advisor, and life coach Dr Pam Spurr will be advising iVillagers on real-life love and sex issues. Check back every week to read her latest words of wisdom

How can I feel sexy again after my divorce?

By Dr. Pam Spurr on 31 Dec 2011 No comments

Question: Hi Pam,

I recently separated from my husband of 11 years we’re in the process of divorcing. It’s been a hard time but with the new year coming up I’m trying to be positive and look forward. I’m keen to meet new people and get some romance back in my life but I don’t even know where to start. My confidence is at rock bottom and I think I may have altogether forgotten how to flirt! How can I prepare myself for the dating game and feel sexy again?

Dear 'Sexy again',

I'm so glad you want to get back out there and don't want to just sit indoors thinking you'll never meet anyone - you wouldn't that way. Fear not there’s much you can do - here are top tips to reignite your dating confidence:

Grab a new attitude by dumping damaging self-beliefs. Challenge any negative thoughts that you won't meet anyone, they won't find you sexy, you won't know how to flirt, etc. When these thoughts pop into your head say, 'No, I have loads to offer and I'm going to meet many new people!'
Get out of your comfort zone to boost your confidence. Face your fear that you've forgotten how to flirt by putting yourself out there and in little ways chat to others. Talk to sales assistants, your newsagent, the waitress at your local café about the little things. Once you get the hang of chatting casually to people you'll know you can do it when you come across a Mr. Potential.
Definitely let others know you're interested in meeting any singles they know. One of the two top ways to meet someone new is to be introduced by a mutual friend or acquaintance. People want to help and it’s only a single person's embarrassment that stops them asking to be kept in mind for matchmaking.
Be prepared for chance encounters by going out feeling confident in what you're wearing, makeup on, hair looking good. Because it's sod’s law you run into a hot guy when you've dashed out in an old tracksuit without any makeup. Knowing you're feeling good means you're more likely to smile and chat in the, e.g., department store lift. People meet in the most unlikely places - just make sure you do so safely if you start chatting to someone.
Get out to new places as your usual haunts might be associated with your ex - or if you've been trying to meet someone these places haven't worked! Widen your circle of opportunity and make it a point to y try somewhere new every week. Visit new pubs, do an evening class, or take up a sport. Think about your choices, e.g., there are more men in gyms after work.
Definitely dump any existing 'type' you go for - you're far more likely to meet someone if you're open-minded. So forget things like: he must be over 6 feet tall and have a particular sort of job. Instead look for genuine qualities of respect, humour, caring nature - these are far more important!

Final tip: Think about your body language and the important signals you give out. If you're thinking you’re not worthy of finding love you’ll give out signals that say you're unapproachable. Keep relaxed, have good posture, and be ready with a smile.

Good luck and let me know if you find love, Dr Pam x

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Also visit www.drpam.co.uk

Have you got a sex or relationship problem? Email Dr Pam at pam.spurr@nbcuni.com