How do I spice up the sex?

Hello there readers,

thanks so much for all your e-mails - do keep them coming in! This week I'm answering a question based on the research for my new book Steamy Sex - The Sex Doctor's Answers for Keeping It Hot. Debbie asked:

I love my partner very much. We've been together for three years and are getting engaged. When first together we couldn't keep our hands off each other and we went through a classic, loved up 'honeymoon-phase.' I know I can't recapture that but in all honesty things have got incredibly stale, boring even. We only ever have sex in missionary or spoons positions and almost always of a Saturday night. My man's quite sensitive about discussing emotional things and I'm not sure how to introduce new moves into our sex life without hurting his feelings.

It's not that I'm a sex fiend as I'm not very confident. I'd love to try things like playing with those handcuffs and other sex toys. Please help me spice things up!

Dear 'Spicing Things up',

In researching my new book this was one of the key topics people want to discuss - you're far from alone. Sometimes it's the men and other times it's the women experiencing bedroom-boredom. The first thing is don't panic that you're going to face a lifetime of a dull sex.

Here are my top tips -

Spice-up tip No. 1: The starting point is flagging up what you enjoy. For instance tell him you love the way he, e.g., 'touches your breasts.' It makes it easier to next add in what you'd like to try. You could say something like you've always wondered what it would be like if he swirled the end of the vibrator over them.

Spice-up tip No. 2: Definitely let your fingers do part of the 'talking' and begin touching him in a way that suggests experimenting with something new. No need to shock him by, e.g., whipping out some handcuffs and demanding he puts them on you. Instead take his hand, slightly over your wrist and ask him to hold you tightly. You never know where this behaviour and conversation will lead.

Spice-up tip No. 3: With many things you can let your fingers do all the 'talking' as you guide your lover's hands to new erogenous zones or, e.g., during penetrative sex slip the vibrator you two sometimes play with between you for extra pleasure during thrusting.

Spice-up tip No. 4: You can kickstart experimenting with a new trick or technique as a little sex game. Why not get some dice and in a playful way suggest rolling them on the basis that each number represents some sexy thing to try.

Spice-up tip No. 5: Ramp it up a bit and while cuddling ask in a warm and sensual way what 'secret' sexy things they think about trying. Definitely reassure him you'd love to hear what he thinks about. This'll open up fresh chances for you to talk about your secret desires.

Spice-up tip No. 6: When possible vary even the basic things like the position you use. It's not hard to manoeuvre into doggy style from spoons. Or suggest you do missionary differently with you slipping on top. Grab him on a Friday night and whisper that you don't want to wait till Saturday or start making some moves on a Sunday morning. Move it out of the bedroom too and start nuzzling up to him in the sitting room.

Spice-up tip No. 7: Finally, as a good 'cover' use birthdays, anniversaries and other special days as a good excuse to suggest something special you want to do to him. Put it in terms that it's a special treat for the special day.

Good luck, Dr Pam x

For loads more advice Dr Pam's new sex-and-love guide is available on Amazon.co.uk and makes a great winter read as you gear up for a new year full of new sexual experiences!

For other sexy inspiration, check out our pick of Chrsitmas gifts for lovers.

Got a problem? Email Dr. Pam your sex and relationship dilemmas at pam.spurr@nbcuni.com