Every week, Jo Hemmings, Behavioural and Celebrity Psychologist, will give her analysis on a topical news story, a celebrity scoop or a relevant piece of research in a way that you will be able to relate to in your own lives. As a Relationship Coach, who has counselled singles, couples and celebrities as well as having had regular appearances on TV analysing the behaviour of A-Listers through to reality TV contestants, Jo’s unique psychological spin will have you hooked! You can also find Jo on Twitter.
Hugh Grant – is he the ultimate commitment-phobe?
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Actor and nineties heartthrob Hugh Grant has become a first-time father at 51 after what has been described as a ‘fleeting relationship’ with a Chinese actress, young enough to be his daughter. And although he pronounces himself ‘thrilled’ at his new found fatherhood, it seemed to take a few weeks for the news to leak out.
First of all, let’s look at this term ‘fleeting relationship’. What do we mean here? A one-night stand? A few weeks of dating but the relationship simply didn’t pan out? Or the kind of fleeting moment enjoyed by Boris Becker in that famous restaurant broom cupboard all those years ago?
Psychological studies have shown that some people gain as much connection and intimacy from these brief relationships as most of us do from long-term relationships. But these fleeting relationships tend to be ‘anchored’ to one location, which may offer us good memories or other comfort in itself.
And for an actor who is used to living a fast paced life, moving around from one place to another depending on filming schedules, these anchored relationships may be as good as it gets.
In recent weeks Hugh Grant has been seeing an even younger girl, a Burlesque dancer, 30 years his junior, so is Hugh going through a mid-life crisis, trying to hang onto his youth or is he just a very good example of a commitmentphobe? A man who finds it hard to sustain long term relationships – feeling emotionally cornered, claustrophobic and the sort of anxious, caddish guy that he so often portrays in the movies.
Hugh Grant seems to done the right thing regarding his new baby – he has acknowledged that he is the father and seems happy to give his daughter and her mother all the financial support that they need. In fact this candour is one of the things that makes Hugh so refreshing in a world full of denials and DNA tests.
I seem to recall him admitting, in his gauche and appealing way to ‘massive stupidity’, back in the 90’s when he was arrested in the Divine Brown scandal.
But his immediate response to news of his daughter’s birth and his generous offer of financial support are typical traits of a man who fears commitment in a profound way. He isn’t fazed by the concept of having to consider marrying Tinglan nor fretting about the amount of time he might need to spend with his daughter.
He has dealt with the situation in a frank and practical manner, thus enabling him to move on without guilt or real responsibility.
It’s no coincidence that Hugh has taken a fairly vocal political stance in recent years, especially over media intrusion and the phone hacking debacle. This kind of displacement activity is another personality trait of the commitmentphobe – they’ll find something to divert their energies and passions into, rather than the ever present fear of being trapped in a relationship.
And given that another issue in commitment phobia is the fear of intimacy, it’s little wonder that Hugh is so active in his campaign against phone tapping and the potential release of intimate conversations.
Commitment phobia is a disabling fear. The concern that they may be caught up in a long-term relationship, with no easy means of escape, often masks what they really crave – long lasting love and connection.
And this fear fuels the pattern of seduction followed by rejection of their partner, often someone who they are unlikely to actually have a long-term relationship with – someone inappropriate or much younger than themselves – in order to protect themselves further from the possibility.
Unless Hugh recognises this destructive pattern, and addresses it, the sad thing is that he may well find himself left as a very lonely and emotionally detached old man…
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