Each week, award-winning radio presenter, agony aunt, sex and relationship advisor, and life coach Dr Pam Spurr will be advising iVillagers on real-life love and sex issues. Check back every week to read her latest words of wisdom
I can't get enough sex
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Question: I really can't get enough of sex but it's causing problems in my relationship because my boyfriend is the opposite. How can we manage our mismatched sex drives?
Dear 'Red hot woman!',
Many women are sighing into their cereal bowls, feeling green with envy over your high sexual desire. That's because many experience the opposite - having HSDD - hypo-active sexual desire disorder.
But let's stick with the high-end of desire - where you are. Oh God, it must be frustrating since he's not equally 'up-for-it'. But believe me it's doubly so for him. He's not feeling what's expected of men - that he should be the proper caveman, with sex on the brain, pursuing his woman - you!
Since he probably feels less of 'a man' (hate these stereotypes but they do influence us) progress cautiously so you don't make such feelings worse.
The good news is I have some pretty much surefire strategies. Begin with your own behaviour. When cuddling up don't make any sexual moves, instead joke in a sexy/teasing way about some really hot fantasy you had. Make sure it's one you know will arouse the sexy part of his brain. Be playful but no touching. Hopefully he'll get a bit randy and make the first move.
Next think about a healthier lifestyle. 'Ho hum', you're thinking, but excess alcohol and fatty foods are like throwing a bucket of ice on desire. Develop healthier habits with drink/food. It might take some weeks but it'll pay off for you both.
Defo, think about 'stress' - in your lives/relationship. Stress simply isn't sexy! So sort out solutions for any stresses on him - or on you both.
Now it's going to be easier becoming more of a 'temptress'. To help tempt him into bed 'big him up' whenever you can. Once feeling appreciated, loved, and 'manly' he'll probably feel more in the mood.
If he still lacks desire you'll need a tactful but honest talk about finding compromise with your two levels of desire. Let him know you're happy with a little bit of self-pleasure sometimes when he's not in the mood, but that you really need him to meet you half way. Fair's fair!
Good luck, Pam X
