Dan Roberts is a therapist and wellbeing coach - each week he will be answering iVillagers’ questions on health and wellbeing. If you’re stressed, anxious or suffering from low mood, feeling generally stuck, frustrated, unhappy or unwell, Dan can help. Check in every week to read his latest words of wisdom.
This blog does not offer medical advice. If you feel you may be suffering from depression or have experienced suicidal thoughts, please contact your GP immediately
I can't move on from my ex!
By Dan Roberts on 25 Jul 2011
Question: Dear Dan, my boyfriend left me three months ago but I can’t seem to move on. All I do is think about him and wish we could get back together. I know this is stupid, because he kept cheating on me and someone told me he already has a new girlfriend, but I can’t seem to get that through my head - I still want him back, despite everything. I really thought he was the one. I keep crying all the time, even at work, and just feel really weak and pathetic. What should I do? Becky
Dear Becky,
I’m really sorry it’s so painful for you right now - getting over a broken heart is never easy. And it’s even harder when you’re the one who is left, because you feel powerless, as if he had all the control over how and when things ended. I know it’s a cliché but time really is a great healer, so the pain will subside as the weeks and months pass. That said, there are some things you can do to help yourself:
- Sometimes, the most painful thing about a breakup is the gap between what we dreamed the relationship would be and the reality, especially when it’s over. If you thought he was ‘the one’ - despite his repeated betrayals - then I’m guessing you focused purely on his positive qualities and managed to ignore the flaws. I also imagine you thought this relationship would blossom into marriage, kids and a happy life together. In a way, the loss of that dream is what’s so painful, especially if you imagine you will never find a man to match him.
- Being a bit more hard-headed, if he was repeatedly unfaithful and already has another relationship, he probably wasn’t the man you imagined him to be. Opening your eyes to all his faults will make the loss of this far-from-perfect man easier to bear. And would you really want a lifetime of hurt, deception and betrayal? Because if he had stayed, that would have been your future.
- Which leads me on to my next question: is there something in you that makes you feel you deserve to be treated badly? Being attracted to and accepting mistreatment from this kind of man is always rooted in childhood experiences. Perhaps your father behaved like this and your mother overlooked his ‘indiscretions’, so you learned that was how men and women behaved in a relationship. Or maybe you were adopted, or your father was absent in some way, either physically or emotionally. You may also have issues with your self-esteem, so believe you don’t deserve any better.
- But you absolutely do. No-one deserves to be treated badly and it’s vital for your future happiness that you come to accept that. Find a good counsellor or therapist to help you build your self-esteem. And get plenty of support from friends and family as your wounded heart slowly heals. I know life looks bleak right now but it will slowly get better, I promise.
Take good care,
Dan
If you’re worried about anything to do with your wellbeing, Dan can help - email your questions to dan.roberts@nbcuni.com and have the answer published in Dan's blog. For expert advice see his website: www.danroberts.com
No comments
Comments