Our straight talking Lancashire lass takes a sideways look at the daily news.
I want a yacht
I want a yacht. I want a yacht that’s worth £60 million and I want you all to pay for it. It’s okay though, you can come and play on it sometimes, but make sure you have a wash before you come on. And take off your shoes.
It’s okay. My mum thinks you should all buy me a yacht, and my dad agrees. It’s a nice present for me because I’ve been contributing loads to society ever since I was born. My brother would like for you all to buy me a yacht, and my sister thinks that you should also throw a big street party in my honour. She likes parties.
I know that David Cameron doesn’t think it’s a good idea, but he doesn’t know who I am. I’m sure if he met me he would agree that my very existence warrants an opulent, glorious yacht worthy of Poseidon himself.
Also, come to think of it, it’s my mum’s birthday soon. I’m sure she would love a yacht too, although she hasn’t got great sea legs so a private jet would do nicely. She also contributes to society so I think she deserves one.
My dad isn’t fussed about a yacht or a jet. He’s got his eyes set on a luxury Triango Tribute 650 2-berth motorhome, and my brother would like a new guitar. Did I mention that my grandma also thinks it a good idea for me to get a state-funded yacht?
And before you say anything, I contribute to tourism. I visit loads of great UK locations on holiday. I don’t open my flat to the public, but then again I doubt that there is anything interesting to see. If there was, I would so the thought counts. I volunteer my time for local community projects, and I’ve never been arrested. Give me a yacht.
But I don’t think that it’s just me. I think we all deserve £60 million gold-plated yachts. And I think the Royal Family should pay for them as a nice present for all the money that we’ve given them over the years. Because nothing says ‘thank you’ more than a bespoke multi-million pound sea liner.
But I’d share! I’d let the Queen come onto my yacht. Wills & Kate are more than welcome, and Harry can come as long as he observes the no smoking policy on board, and he doesn’t come dressed as a Nazi. I think I’ll avoid inviting Prince Phillip though, he’s a bit of a loose cannon and I don’t like the thought of him sat in my Jacuzzi wearing Speedos.
As it happens, it’s the Queen’s Jubilee this year. I know times are hard and she’s bound to be pulling in the purse strings, what with her buying us all yachts. So maybe she could celebrate by holding a small Tupperware party followed by a marathon Hercule Poirot session on ITV3? Or maybe Her Majesty prefers The Last of the Summer Wine? I imagine she would.
Perhaps Pippa ‘Arse of Britain’ Middleton can clench her party-organising muscles and arrange a low-key, low-budget but high fun event for HRH & pals? She could hire a glitterball and invite Robbie Williams and Chris de Burgh to sing a heartfelt duet for the Queen.
I’d get my yacht and the Queen would get her celebration. Everyone’s a winner!