Each week, award-winning radio presenter, agony aunt, sex and relationship advisor, and life coach Dr Pam Spurr will be advising iVillagers on real-life love and sex issues. Check back every week to read her latest words of wisdom
I want to change his mind about marriage
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Question: Hello Dr Pam, I've been dating a guy for a month now. We meet almost every day and really like eachother. He is a divorcee and has an eight-year-old son, I am separated and I’ve got a four-year-old. We get along really well and enjoy eachother's company. First problem: He's against marriage, I think that’s because his wife cheated on him. I know he feels insecure about it and I really want to make him change his mind and think positively about marriage. Second problem: He rarely talks about himself so he is kind of difficult at times; he likes when I talk about myself. Can you please advise what should I do?
Dear 'Change his mind',
I'm going to be completely frank with you - after dating for only a month I'm surprised you're on a mission to change his mind about marriage. It's only in super-rare situations that marriage is usually discussed so soon. I worry you’re rushing things and if he has an aversion to marriage he will NOT like being rushed!
This may sound harsh but it's the truth. I hear from plenty of men - and women - that get annoyed when someone they've been dating a short time brings up the topic of marriage.
Here are some things for you to consider and tips to try:
- Take the time to ask yourself why you're already considering marriage after a month? Especially as you’re only separated - not even divorced - this concerns me that it might be due to insecurity and wanting to nab someone quickly to lineup for 'husband material.'
- Be completely honest with yourself - inside do you fear being left on your own? A little self-analysis can go a long way.
- Face facts - if your present marriage hasn't worked out the statistics on a rebound relationship are against you. 90per cent of first relationships after a divorce fail. Hang on to that fact and hopefully it'll slow you down from jumping into something.
- Now you need to consider your child's needs. Have you already introduced your child to this man? If so please don't repeat this in the future. You should be seriously involved with someone before you introduce your child to them. Children get attached very quickly and get hurt easily if you meet someone new, breakup with them, and then repeat that again.
- Time to build your confidence - if you develop the confidence to be happy, as a divorced mother of one, you'd be more choosy and careful about who you want to be involved with. Plus how quickly you want to re-marry.
- Daily affirm to yourself the best things about yourself. Believe these things! Maybe you're kind, sensitive and have a good sense of humour, etc. All of your great qualities should reassure you that you won't be on your own forever.
- Focus on something that's not all about this new man and instead is all about you. Take an evening class, or take up a sport, learn a language, get job skills training, etc. Focus on one of these things - do your best at it - and be proud of your achievements.
- Finally whether you keep seeing this man - or it ends - and you see someone else please don't rush it as you'll only appear desperate, and have some belief in yourself.
Final tip: remember that you attract the best men when you're at your best - not when you're insecure.
Very best luck, Dr Pam x
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