Each week, award-winning radio presenter, agony aunt, sex and relationship advisor, and life coach Dr Pam Spurr will be advising iVillagers on real-life love and sex issues. Check back every week to read her latest words of wisdom
I want more than just sex with my casual man
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Question: Dear Pam,
I’ve been seeing a guy for two or three months. We met in a bar and started having casual sex which, at the time, suited me fine. We never discussed our ‘relationship’ and I think it was an unspoken understanding that we weren’t exclusive. But we’ve grown closer and I’ve started to have real feelings for him, I’d really like to take things to the next level and have something mutually exclusive. I’m not interested in other guys. But I don’t know how to suggest it to him, or even find out if it’s something he’d be up for. I don’t want to seem pushy or needy, I just want to know if he’s interested…
Dear 'real feelings',
You've really expressed what so many women feel in this situation. You know your feelings are growing and yet you feel they'll be rejected if you reveal them.
Obviously some men end up feeling exactly like this and they want more too. My concern is your intuition hasn't picked up anything like this about him - otherwise I don't think you'd be so worried.
Here are some strategies to move forward with this:
- Self-analysis - why do you think your genuine feelings that are deepening will seem to him like neediness/pushiness? Why wouldn't he see them as something positive? Because you're assuming he’ll see them as something negative it tells me your confidence is low.
- Honesty - have you struggled with low confidence and find it hard to get what you want in relationships? Or does he in some way bring down your confidence? If this is about him undermining you seriously consider moving on - or seriously pull him up when he says things that bring you down. If it's about having always struggled with low confidence, make today the day you decide to do something about it.
- Thinking these over - once you've thought about these things you need to develop more self belief. Remind yourself you’ve a right to develop feelings about someone that you're sleeping with. Most women find it hard to separate the emotional side of things from sex and there's nothing wrong with that. Why should you be any different? And isn't it a good thing to acknowledge you've got changing feelings and do something about it.
- The ‘big’ conversation - okay, so you might not want to make this seem like a ‘big’ conversation but it's time you discuss this with him. After all you're giving this man your body, your time, and now even your self-esteem. You should have a conversation with him about where things might go without feeling you look desperate.
- Top tips - have this conversation outside of the bedroom - not after you two have had a romp and he's ready to snooze. If you always meet at one of yours for sex ask him to meet you in a coffee shop or pub. Although definitely watch the drinking if it's a pub - this is not the conversation to have tipsy.
- Be confident and straightforward - once you've said your hellos say you've been thinking lately about your feelings and you’d quite like to spend a little more time with him. And that you wonder what he thought. Keep your piece brief and open it up to what he thinks.
- You should know pretty much by his response if he feels at all the same way you do. Believe what your intuition tells you about this chat!
Final tip: If he doesn't return your feelings don't stay in a sexual relationship that keeps bringing you down. You deserve so much better.
Take care of yourself, Dr Pam x
For loads more advice, Dr Pam's happiness guide is available on Amazon.
Also visit www.drpam.co.uk
Have you got a sex or relationship problem? Email Dr Pam at pam.spurr@nbcuni.com
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