Ghostwritermummy and bump

Susanne Remic is a primary school teacher, freelance writer and parenting blogger. She writes at Ghostwritermummy and Maternity Matters and in between all of that she regularly wins mummy of the year awards for running around after her two children, aged six and 19 months. This is her pregnancy blog: an online diary of her third pregnancy as she strives to overcome two difficult births, one angel child and one awkward toddler. Join Susanne as she shares every step of her journey from bump to baby!

 

I'm scared

By Susanne Remic on 03 Feb 2012 1 comment

It’s true. I really am. After seeing my consultant for the 36-week appointment, I am officially scared. In two week’s time I will go to hospital for major surgery. And yes, I know that I opted - no, fought - for this outcome but that doesn’t mean I made the decision lightly.

I’ve never ever been to hospital knowing that it will end with a knife slicing my body open to bring my baby into the world. I’ve never gone with the knowledge that things could go seriously wrong; I’ve only ever anticipated a different outcome. This time, I know what they’re going to do. And I’m scared.

I’ve been given the information and I haven’t been able to read it. Oh, I know that I can’t eat after midnight on the night before the op; I know that I can’t wear makeup; I know that they will try to cut along one of the existing scars and may even try to ‘tidy’ it all up to make just one scar. I also know that my consultant is on hand in case they try to discharge me without pain relief, as happened with my son.

What I don’t know is this: how will I feel when this baby is delivered?

So many things went wrong last time that I just cannot believe this time will go smoothly. There has to be something, some kind of glitch...doesn’t there? Will it really be a complication-free birth this time? Do I really deserve that? Will I love this baby?

I’m feeling more than a little overwhelmed following this appointment. I am to return in less than two weeks for the pre-op clinic and in two week’s time I will have my baby in my arms. Can I really live up to the title of new mum this time?