The story of Tanya Grey

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Afterwards he apologised over and over again. I pretended to believe him, because I now knew I had to get out, and I was frightened he’d really hurt me if I told him.The next week he was away. I went to my Mum, I told her everything. Mum was amazing. She hugged me, told me I’d been brave, she told me to come home and she’d get me through my exams. If she’d said, ‘I told you so,’ I don’t know what would have happened.

The next day I spoke to a university counsellor. I showed her my bruises and was shaking as I told her. I half hoped she’d say, ‘Oh well people do change’ but she was surprisingly hard line. She told me that rape within marriage was now a crime and I should think about making a report to the police.

In the end I went to the domestic violence unit. I was interviewed by a female police woman and saw a female doctor. They were helpful and kind, but I decided not to press charges. I guess I chickened out, but I did write a long letter to his commanding officer. Later I joined a woman’s group through a local rape crisis centre. I got fantastic support just from listening to other women’s stories and realising that I wasn’t the only one who sometimes felt it was all my fault.

After my finals, I moved to London, got a job, and now, aged 32, I’m starting to enjoy life again. I would say to any woman in this situation, if you have any doubts whatsoever that your man is overstepping the mark, in terms of sexual or physical abuse act now. The longer you leave it, the longer your recovery will take. I am with a lovely man now, but it’s taken me 18 months to enjoy sex with him, and I’ve still never dared tell him the whole story. Dave’s left the army. I don’t know if he’s learned his lesson. I’ve heard on the grapevine that he’s with another woman and that he’s changed, but I have my doubts. Can men like that really change? You could call what he does a sickness, but it’s the kind of sickness that hurts, even kills some women, and if you think you can cure it, you’re out of your mind.

The names have been changed

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