Suffering in silence

If these women do reject the violence, they are often shunned and rejected by their community. Members of their family may also face the same ‘disgrace’. It is a strong disincentive.

Su states: ‘For these women, leaving an abusive relationship is much harder. They wonder: “What will my parents think? What will happen to my brothers and sisters? Will they still be able to get married?”

Other barriers
There are also other problems facing many Asian women. About 40 per cent of those who walk through the doors of Apna Ghar, for instance, have language problems. While this is not as pronounced as when the project launched in 1984 – when many of the women didn’t speak a single word of English – it can still cause problems. Imagine trying to apply for financial aid, housing benefit or a place in a refuge if you struggle with the language.

Many of these women are also unaware of the services available to them. ‘For most of these women, all they know is what is decided for them by their husbands or mothers-in-law,’ Su says.

Not surprisingly, that means they are not told of the organisations that exist to help them leave an abusive relationship.

Heartbreaking stories
As a result, many of these women stay in violent relationships, feeling isolated, confused and alone. Many also enter into marriage knowing that they will face violence.

‘I had a call from a 21-year-old girl about to have an arranged marriage,’ says Su. ‘The man she is set to marry is 15 years older than her. She can’t bear him looking at or touching her. She’s scared he’ll force himself on her on the wedding night.’

That isn’t such a far-fetched possibility. ‘This girl was surprised that I was shocked,’ says Su. ‘Many of her friends have told her they were essentially raped on the first night of marriage.’

There are other disturbing tales involving the ritual humiliation of the bride. In a society that prizes virginity, there are stories of mothers-in-law checking the sheets of the marital bed the following morning to find evidence of prior virginity.

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