Keep your relationship revved up

Jo Douglas, author of Toddler Troubles, explains how as a parent, it's important to hold on to your own sense of identity and not to let your relationship with your partner suffer

John's story

John, who was feeling rejected and anxious, described how his wife always put the needs of their children first and made him feel bad if he asserted his own needs. If he wanted to take his wife out, she made excuses about not being able to get a babysitter - or if they did manage to, she spent the whole evening talking about the children. She never seemed to have time to talk about what happened at his work during the day, a marked contrast to before, when she had always been supportive and helped him make some important work decisions. He felt he was at the bottom of the pile and he wondered what had happened to their relationship.

Maria's story

Maria, who was feeling depressed and over-stressed, described her life as revolving totally around the children. She was the taxi-driver, the cook, the carer, the nurse and the teacher. She never went out with her partner because they had never managed to arrange a babysitter, so he regularly went to the pub on his own at the weekend. And because her partner often stayed late for meetings at work, she could never arrange to see her own female friends during the week.

Remembering the love

In both of these cases, the balance in the relationships had gone and Maria and John's identities were at risk of being lost. If you can identify with this, one of you has to start the swing back towards establishing the balance again. Your love and your relationship was the whole basis for the development of the family and it is vital to keep that alive and kicking. Remember what it was that made you fall in love and want to be with each other.