Susanne Remic is a primary school teacher, freelance writer and parenting blogger. She writes at Ghostwritermummy and Maternity Matters and in between all of that she regularly wins mummy of the year awards for running around after her two children, aged six and 19 months. This is her pregnancy blog: an online diary of her third pregnancy as she strives to overcome two difficult births, one angel child and one awkward toddler. Join Susanne as she shares every step of her journey from bump to baby!
Last night, when I felt the baby kick
By Susanne Remic on 04 Oct 2011
Last night, when I felt the baby kick, I was taken back to another place. It was cold and the trees outside were swaying like dancers on a stage of autumn dreams. It was early evening; dark already and the curtains were closed against the night. We were safe, we were happy and then the baby kicked.
At first I was startled. This was the strongest kick, the biggest reminder of what is yet to come into our lives. As it registered that my baby was moving, everything else around me moved into place. I’ve been here before.
The last time that the curtains were drawn, the wind was howling and the night was heavy with rich black darkness, was the last time. The last time I felt a tiny leg stretch inside me. It was the last time. It was a memory so thick, so heavy that I felt the sudden need to leave the room and remind myself that this time will be different.
As we move from summer into autumn and eventually winter, the tiny life inside me will grow. This baby will make its mark on my body with stronger kicks and more wriggly squirms. And each time it moves, each time it kicks, the trees will dance and the leaves will skitter across the driveway. Mother Nature will keep it all moving because life goes on. It never stopped, thank goodness. But each time this happens, I will be taken back to last time. How can I make that a positive thing?
This is the third time I have been pregnant at this time of year. Perhaps it will one day seem strange to walk through piles of burnt orange leaves without heaviness in my belly.
Perhaps one day I will let go and forgive myself for all the things I did wrong last time. All the things that went wrong last time. All the things I need to make sure are different this time... but seem too difficult to change now, in this moment.
Moments pass. That moment passed. I rejoined my family and steeled my resolve to make this pregnancy completely different to last time. It’s all I can do. The tiny bundle kicked me again and I put a hand to my belly, telling my daughter what had happened.
She rested her head gently on my belly and asked me if I was looking forward to having the new baby at home. I thought for only a moment, and told her yes.
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