Living with a messy man

When one of you is as neat as a pin and the other lives in a state of pure sloth, how is a couple to compromise? Malia Frame investigates

The final straw was a pair of blue and white checked pants. On the floor. Again.

I told myself that if I had to pick up one more item of dirty clothing and place it three inches to the right, where it belongs, there would be a serious crisis in my marriage. At my wits end, I picked up the phone and rang the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy (BACP - www.counselling.co.uk) for help.

After explaining that clutter can represent a deeper relationship issue - anything from you and your partner not agreeing on where to live to a deeper crisis like incompatibility -Phillip Hodson, psychotherapist, relationships expert and fellow of the BACP, offered a 10-point strategy. No matter the root of the untidiness, this should help you and your partner meet somewhere in the middle.

Don't nag:

Evaluate the severity of the problem: 'Ask yourself how serious the clutter issue is on a scale of 1 to 10,' he suggests. 'Is it worth putting yourself in the role of your husband's mum and treating him like an adolescent son?' (Yes, I say to myself, if this plan works and I can still be his lover from time to time.)

Treat him as a flatmate: 'In relationships, most women become slaves to men because men know women won't put up with a mess,' says Hodson. If you treat your husband like someone you just happen to live with, it will put you both on equal ground. It will also make him realise he has responsibilities and should be respectful of the person he's living with. 'Tell him he's got to do his share of tidying and you won't do it for him,' Hodson says. It's helpful to start this early in the relationship when you're setting out how you each like to live.

5h4d35wh1t3 (not verified) replied 10 weeks 4 days ago

to Sheri Wright You do NOT have zero skills and zero income. You live in America for crying out loud. Your primary job is to cook and clean the house? That is why you are getting so worked up over it. You have to see your primary job as building yourself up, your skills, your abilities, your career, your social network, etc. Then get busy filling your time and your mind learning, talking to people, etc. Learn how to manage and invest money so that the inheritance is not spent, but rather generating income. For now, divide your space - have public space so people can come over, his space to do whatever, your space that he can't touch. Split the refrigerator, split the sink, split the work space, compromise. clean his space only when guests come over, etc. When you are rich, split the house, get one with two kitchens, two bedrooms, two living spaces, etc. One for you, one for him. Hire a maid. Learn how to cook. Accept the fact that he may never change, and figure out what you are going to do about it. Expand your horizons, give yourself a way out. Find people who you can vent to that won't give you damaging advice. Learn psychology and try and learn the roots of human behavior. Keep him busy outside of the house so that you can clean in the house, or later so the maid can clean while you two go out on dates. Get yourself a job or volunteer to get a skill or trade so you are out of the house and not staring at and thinking about the junk all the time. Be creative. Find people who challenge the way you think and inspire you. You have so many options, that may or may not work for a time. But there are so many options. Suicide is one of them, but why would you choose that! Never back yourself into a corner, and never back him into a corner without options. Always give yourselves constructive options.

5h4d35wh1t3 (not verified) replied 10 weeks 4 days ago

to Sheri Wright You do NOT have zero skills and zero income. You live in America for crying out loud. Your primary job is clean the house? That is why you are getting so worked up over it. You have to see your primary job as building yourself up, your skills, your abilities, your career, your social network, etc. Then get busy filling your time and your mind learning, talking to people, etc. Learn how to manage and invest money so that the inheritance is not spent, but rather generating income. Split the house, get one with two kitchens, two bedrooms, two living spaces, etc. One for you, one for him. Hire a maid.

sheri wright (not verified) replied 13 weeks 6 days ago

Im in a relationship with a man who is wonderful in many ways.He is very loyal,hansome and funny.He is a fantastic cook.He brings me tea every single morning with cookies on a tray with a candle lit.He texts me when were apart how much he loves me.I feel lucky in many ways to have him in my life. But with everything in life there is another side.I concider myself to be pretty tidy.I cant stand a cluttered mess,Everything on counters is for decorations.My clothes are hung up neatly.When i cook i clean as i go.And i always stay on top of dishes and laundry,floors and bathrooms.I amke my bed as soon as i wake up.I do not concider myself compulsive at all.I just like a clean home. My man who i have been with for two and a half years would never complain of i did not clean.He can live and adjust to a dirty home. We fight alot over the house and i do not know how to fix it.I cant vacume when he is home becuase he says the dust will be in the air.I cant spray cleaning products because the smell bothers him.I cant wash the bathtub becuase he is afraid that the clkeaners will get into the pores of the bath and it will irritate his skin. I cant wash dishes when he is home because the noise of the dishes clanging bothers him.I cant do anything.I feel like i am haveing an affair with my vacume and cleaning products when he is gone.Its terrible. I stay with him becuase i do not work and my job is staying home and cooking.He says he will cook and i would love him to becuase hes the better cook but it takes me a lot longer to clean up the kitchen because he does not clean as he goes. I AM AFARAID our relationship will end due to us constantly fighting over this isssue. I do not have a career and i have never paid into social security i have zero skils and zero income.My boyfriend is going to inherit over 7 million dollars when his family member passes away and she is 98. I have 2 and a half years invested in this and do not want to break up and then he gets his inheritance and i am sleeping on my moms couch. If anyone reads this pleaee give me advice! I have even thoought of suicide because i cant live with him and i cant stand the thought of losing him and another woman getting him and them liveing happily ever after with the money. I love him very mmuch but do not know how to deal with his slopiness.

swimmer t (not verified) replied 29 weeks 5 days ago

Dear Anonymous, I totally get where you're coming from :( especially the part about being degrading and depressing. I too am in a long term r'ship with someone who's mum waited on their EVERY WHIM and he is now a total 'pig pen person'. I have tried everything also including analysising the problem from every angle and I've concluded that it's a total lack of respect for me. He loves the house being tidy but only when I do it otherwise he is happy throwing his mucky boots randomly, sitting on expensive cream bedding in his filthy bolier suit etc. Here's another classic example - letting the wet dirty dog jump/play on the cream fabric sofa which I then have to sponge down. I am at my wits end. Our relationship is pretty good other than this problem but by god it is driving me away and causing me to resent him SO SO MUCH. To be honest I'd say there's even part of me hates him because it. My life consists of going to work, coming home and doing house work i.e. tidying, cleaning and picking up after him. He's just a pig. He won't take any responsibilty for cleaning up after himself and when I say to him he sighs that I'm nagging or becomes aggressive. As I'm writing this I'm thinking I'm such a fool for allowing this to get so bad and affect me so much. I'm asking myself why I put up with it. I honestly think I need to make or break cos sure as hell after ten years of this sh1t he's not going to change. Desperate for any advice going. p.s. in case your wondering why I don't just leave the mess, I clean it cos I would be embarassed and ashamed infront of others and secondly, I just CANNOT FUNCTION in a messy/dirty environment.

Anonymous replied 42 weeks 2 days ago

My husband was an only child...his mother waited on him...that has been his excuse for his untidiness for 40 years. She has be dead for 20 yrs. I have tried absolutely everything you have suggested over the last 40 yrs and during the raising of our 4 children. If he washes his hands for a meal then the sink and the towel even the soap are filty!! I cannot keep up with his dropping bits of laundry, his jackets, papers, tools etc., his mechanics dirty handprints on the walls and phone, very dirty clothing, muddy barnyard boots every which way in the porch,sawdust and wood chips on couch, rugs and even in the bedding, I feel so USED! It is degrading and depressing. I have told him this. Do I not deserve a life? I can keep a clean and tidy house when he is not here. I have even left for a time. Nothing helps. So sorry to rain on your parade but if you don't live with a "pig-pen" person you just don't get it. Fact is one cannot change another person.Some people just don't care or see it and just don't want to make change prefering to live in chaos.