Living together - growing apart

By Susan Quilliam

It's easy to keep the flames of passion burning bright when you are enjoying the first heady days of a relationship. But will they be enough to keep you warm when you take the plunge and move in together? Relationship expert Susan Quilliam looks at how to survive any hiccups?

Accept it now: for better or worse, living together will change your relationship. Fact. Cohabitation will bring a new bag of bearbugs to light - from money, to housework and making time for each other. Living together will throw up differences between you that never came to light when you were dating and can bring about deeper changes to your relationship. How you deal with them can make or break your relationship.

Danger zone:
'I love my boyfriend Tom and until six months ago, our relationship was going well. We decided to move in together, but six months on it's a disaster and I can't believe what a slob he's turned into. He treats the flat like a B&B, shows no consideration towards me and never, ever, helps with the housework. It's driving me mad. Help!'

Every month I receive piles of desperate emails that echo Gemma's cry for help - and her situation is by no means unusual.

Solution: Have a reality check
Whether you're planning to live together, or have already moved in, have a heart-to-heart about what you expect from each other:
Who is going to do the hovering or dusting is one of the top five friction areas between couples, according to Relate. The best way to tackle it is to discuss how you will divide the housework between you. This will probably lead to a bigger chat about the more abstract - but more important - issues such as how you expect your emotional roles to change now you've made a commitment.
Once you understand each other's expectations of living together, you'll appreciate where each other is coming from. Negotiate on the important issues such as housework, making time for each other, and money.
Read: What your mother couldn't tell you and your father didn't know by John Gray (Vermilion, £9.99)