Lonely this Christmas
56 comments
Christmas can turn out to be the most desolate period for many. Caro Handley offers invaluable tips on how to survive it
There are few things in life more awful than feeling empty and alone at Christmas. The relentless pressure to be jolly, to feel happy and be surrounded by people, leaves many people feeling isolated and miserable at this time of year.
There are plenty of reasons why you might feel lonely at Christmas. Loss is the primary one - the loss of someone you love, who has either died or left you, is bad enough at any other time, but very agonising at Christmas. Being alone is another. You might be new in town, far from your family and friends, or the kind of person who leads an isolated existence and has few close contacts with others.
There may be times when this suits you, but Christmas isn't likely to be one of them. Feeling that you don't fit in is a third reason. If your only choice is to spend Christmas with people who are very different from you, then it can dent your self-esteem and leave you feeling lonely, even in the middle of a crowd.
So what do you do?
No matter how low you feel and how lonely you are, there are always things that you can do to change your situation and the way you feel. Even though it may not feel like it, you always have choices.
Your Inner Core of Steel
The first thing to remember is your ICS - your Inner Core of Steel. We all have one, and it gets us through the worst situations. It's the part of us that copes, no matter what. Sometimes we lose touch with it, but it's still there. So if you feel helpless, defeated, hurt or abandoned, turn to the best ally you will ever have, the one person who will always be with you - yourself.
Never underestimate yourself. Be guided and supported by the wisdom that you have inside you. This part of you always knows what you need, and has the answers you're looking for. If you feel you don't know how to cope say to yourself: 'What if I did know. What would I do then?' Often the answer will become clear.
Comments
i have faimly but feel soooo alone can yooooooooou help meeeeee i so need someone pleaze x
I am so relieved Christmas is over. I'm the only one who will prepare Christmas in my family. Cooking, cleaning, the whole deal. 40 year old sister (with no kids) spends the whole three hours here not helping me with anything. Just sits around and socializes. Then runs off to yet another celebration. This goes on year after year. The dread starts in around Thanksgiving and does not end until Christmas day is done and over with. I remember years ago, when I was single, Christmas was not a great deal of fun, just something to get through. I guess we as humans buy into the commercialization in a really big way. We think we don't, but we do. It's expected to be a really big deal, when honestly, it should be about church services, a tree, and everybody pitching in to make a fun holiday for each and every person on their personal Christmas list. If you ever get sick with a bad cold the week before Christmas and have to do all the work alone, you will start to see how stupid it all is.
Hi to hello from the US!
If I told you how similar our lives are, down to the three musqueteers you might not be able to believe it. But now that I've read it I sure do. Daughters are difficult and hard on their mothers at times, but worst of all is how we put in all that's in our hearts to give them a real and good life despite others not doing so for them, then they forget us and just go off craving them, leaving us in the dust like garbage. if our hearts break or we feel angry they say we're the problem and even bad mothers. My own have hooked in with a guy who aleways wants a mother or woman to hurt and when I stepped in about him mnistreating my girl, she went back to him when he acted like he likes her wayyy more than loser me and somehow she thiks that makes her a winner. Neither of them called or wrote and we've been on bad terms and every time i try to fix things they judge and nit-pick and they think they know what a mother should feel and act like no matter that they forget that a daughter might have some ways she must act if she expects mom not to crack. i can't believe this is happening to me, to our family, to my daughters and i can't believ this is happening to someone else. My goodness. Was it all for nothing? ARE WE THE BIGGEST FOOLS EVER? OUR LIVES ARE HALF OVER, SPENT ON PEOPLE WHO ARE SO INCAPABLE OF FEELING FOR US? Maybe all that's left to do is pray but I wish I had a genie that could heal their hearts, and ours. When even christmas doesn't soften their hearts towards us it's frightening. I'm scared.
I'm not a big fan of the holiday's. All my family does is argue with one another - it makes you not want to be around people at all. I'm single so it's either spend time with them or all by myself. I feel terrible when christmas is over.
what a load of rubbish/ spent day alone cold and no food try that!!!!!!!!!!!!
Hi I just arrived in Canada and I choose not to go back home since my family is splintered and I feel that going back will only bring me more pain than joy. I have felt lonely each christmas for as long as I remembered wishing for the perfect family dinner that never came. I just want to wish all the lonely souls out there a merry christmas and all I can say is to never give up on yourself even when it seems that no one is there for you for someone out there, somewhere, sometime someone truly loves you.
Hello from the US...I have been fortunate enough to have had some very Merry Christmasas, filled with family and friends. My daughters and I were the three Musketeers as they grew up. When my oldest (my heart) got married, things changed at the holidays and they changed a lot! I have been divorced since they were 6 and 8 but I never had to experience a Christmas season alone.
Somehow, the last 2 or 3 Holiday Season's have been spent in anger and frustration as I've watched my girls have less and less interest in spending time with me and more with their father and his family. He lives in Colorado and because he lives so far, when he comes to town, they spend the entire week before Christmas with him and every Christmas Eve. On Christmas Day, the last few years, when my girls have come over, my oldest is completely obsessed with the time and she can't enjoy her time with me; she watches the time in complete anticipation of their next stop, her husband's folks. This makes me want to throw my arms up and say forget it!
This year, that is exactly what I did...I haven't planned anything with them and that seems to be just fine with them. They simply do not want to come over.
The other homes (dad's and husbands's dad's) are filled with large families and small children. They would ratther be there. I don't have much to offer except me! I've tried playing games, movies, cooking and they just can't get relaxed at my house.
I have also lost my grandparents and my father who were always there for me....I feel very alone and lonely, I'm so depressed - the last 3 Christmases have been spent in utter dispair and hopelelssness. I never thought this would happen to me....alone at Christmas...I'm a traditionalist and breaking tradition is like tearing a pc of my heart out. I've tried to talk to them but it always ends up back on me. Maybe it is my fault -- I don't know what to think but I know this...you can't make people want to spend time with you...it is just heartbreaking.....Christmas is becoming the worst time of the year for me. How very sad.
I have been feeling lonely for two christmases now. I have family but my dad has passed and I am estranged from the rest due to my sisters abusive boyfriend. He has manged to make sure that my mother sister and mutual friends are no longer in our lives. I have a teenager and a younger child, all of us have been ousted by my family. I have become very low, my friends constantly tell me how happy they are, I am happy for them but none have bothered to ask how I am or even an invitation. I amlike their agony aunt, but when I need someone no one is there! I feel I have become a little bitter and I hate it. I cry often as I miss my dad. I have read some of these messages here, I truely wish you all a Merry Christmas and when you feel lonely, just know we are all thinking of you and remember even those who continuously boast of happiness are usually talking rubbish. Thinking of you all X
Hey mate, I know exactly the feeling you describe - I have been there too. I just wanted to say though; things are never as bad as we think, there is always the potential to change and make things better. It's up to you - be a tower of strength for your boys, show them that you are resourceful and that you can make the best of a bum deal and recover from it (they are watching, believe me) - move forward and don't allow yourself to be bogged down with self pity (except the odd evening with bottle of wine and some great music - then let it rip) - find that inner strength and don't put off the things you know you should be doing - take a step, then another, then another... I know that when I was at my lowest ebb and in similar circumstances to your own, I unexpectedly found that inner strength. Believe me, things will get better and you will have the love and respect of your family if you allow yourself to be the man you want to be.
All the best for Christmas - I will raise a glass for you on the day (in Malta) and send best wishes to you and your family for a united new year.
Merry Christmas to you!! And know that at least somebody is thinking of you and praying for you on this day and Christmas day as well.
Anonymous
Yes, I shall be alone at Christmas. I have spent Christmas alone in the past and I am sure I will spend many more Christmases alone. I know many people say they do not mind spending Christmas on their own, saying they have been invited by relatives etc but wish to stay on their own but it is different when you do not have family or friends to invite you and you have no choice but to stay on your own.
Christmas celebrations cruelly exclude the very people that Jesus would have never treated that way.
Hello from the U.S.
I am more or less alone this Christmas, too. I have no family, etc. It hurts when other folks know you’re alone, talk about what they are going to do and then not invite you! Well, in the long run they are the real losers as they have a lump of coal where their hearts should be. So, let’s all take care, cherish the pets that comfort us and ….
God Bless Us Every One!