Each week, award-winning radio presenter, agony aunt, sex and relationship advisor, and life coach Dr Pam Spurr will be advising iVillagers on real-life love and sex issues. Check back every week to read her latest words of wisdom
My boyfriend is far too cosy with his ex
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Dear Dr Pam,
My boyfriend of 10 months previously was together with a woman for seven years. In that time they were engaged but obviously never got married. They have managed to stay on good terms as they own a house together that they haven't been able to sell because of the recession. He moved out and she's presently staying there.
I'm happy they get along because they must get their house sold but I was shocked to find out that they he gave her a birthday present a couple weeks ago. Am I wrong to feel angry inside and also dejected about the whole thing if I'm honest? Karen, 31
Dear 'angry and dejected',
I think you're probably entitled to be angry and feel dejected. It's a great thing to be friendly with your ex but quite another to keep exchanging birthday presents! Does your intuition tell you that he has too much invested in this relationship still? Because if it does I would recommend listening to it unless - and this is a BIG unless - you've had problems with jealousy and over-sensitivity in past relationships.
If not - and you know your judgment is good - then you need to keep on top of this if you two are to work it out. Because being overly cosy with an ex can be a very slippery slope back into the bedroom.
An important point I must stress is that just because you’re probably entitled to these feelings, it doesn't mean you should act on them without lots of thought and being calm about it. Try these strategies to sort it out:
- Get the conversation started when you two have the time to discuss it. Never ever start such a conversation when you only have a short time before, e.g., you have to rush to work.
- A good tactic is to try to get him to empathise with you by asking him how he’d feel if the tables were turned and you were very close to an ex-partner and still exchanged birthday gifts.
- Try to paint a visual picture for him (men tend to respond well to details that are easily visualised) asking if he can imagine how he’d really feel if you were going over to an ex’s home - a home you two once shared - for a cosy birthday present exchange. Somehow I don't think he would like that image!
- Now for another important point about this whole situation - how much you should be annoyed about him being friendly with his ex depends on where you two are going in your own relationship. Are your expectations matched? Do you both talk about where your relationship’s headed? If you haven't, his expectations may not be the same as yours.
- After 10 months together I hope you both know whether or not it's a serious committed relationship. But sometimes people don't talk about this - make sure you don't avoid this conversation. Otherwise you'll never really know where you stand and what you should expect of his relationship with his ex.
Final tip: after this conversation with him if he claims you’re very important to him than he should stop spending such ‘cosy time’ with his ex. Make sure his behaviour matches what he tells you.
Stay strong,
Dr Pam x
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