Dr Pam's love clinic

Each week, award-winning radio presenter, agony aunt, sex and relationship advisor, and life coach Dr Pam Spurr will be advising iVillagers on real-life love and sex issues. Check back every week to read her latest words of wisdom

My ex doesn't know I'm his new cyber lover

By Dr. Pam Spurr on 04 Jan 2012 No comments

Question: Dear Dr Pam,

Last year, after having been divorced for some time, I met a man (online) who fell madly in love with me and swept me off my feet - he even gave me his gran’s wedding ring, to prove his commitment. I don’t think I really appreciated him enough or let him know how much I cared and he broke it off quite abruptly. We talked it through and he got very emotional but I responded quite cooly.

Not so long ago I went back onto the dating site where we met, I had a few flings and learnt a bit more about men (I’m 55). I noticed that my ex had put up a new profile and I used a fake profile to get in touch with him. At first I wanted to punish him for ditching me but we ended up exchanging some highly romantic (and quite erotic) emails. He’s really keen to meet me and now I don’t know what to do, I’ve got so far into this lie and I really like him. What would you suggest?

Dear 'lying eyes',

Or really that should be 'lying e-mails'... oh dear, we never think far enough ahead when we start something like this! Suddenly you're in so deep with the lies, what on earth do you do now?

Fear not, you can sort this out - and I feel the very best way would be to come clean. Because, ultimately, you seem to think there's something ‘there’ with this man despite the rather complicated twists and turns of your relationships. And the only way it could ever work is if you come clean and tell him that in a moment of madness you faked your profile.

Of course, he may not want anything to do with you when he finds that out - but definitely best to know that so you don't harbour false hope for a reconciliation.

There are alternatives that only you - and your feelings and conscience - can decide from - for instance you could of course stop the contact, chalk it up to bad judgment on your part for doing this, forgive yourself and move on.

This would mean giving up trying to get back with him. But I do think there are many question marks over whether it would work with him or not anyway. I also find that many people end up racked with guilt when they've involved themselves in complicated situations and lies. Only you know if you'd feel guilty over the fake profile, etc., or not.

If you decide to come clean with him, try these tips:

Be utterly honest about your fake profile. No beating around the bush! Tell him how much you wanted to get back in contact and in a moment of madness chose the wrong way.
Ask if he'll meet you face-to-face so you can explain in detail.
Write all this in calm and measured tones - so that some sort of confidence comes through that you realise you made a bad decision and you want to move forward in an adult way.
Let them know you're happy to meet on his terms if he's prepared to meet you.
Definitely you need to get your pride back so no histrionics or tears - just grown-up behaviour from here on in.

Final tip: Whether he takes you back or not you need to resolve to yourself never to use underhanded ways again when it comes to love and romance. They only ever backfire and I'm sure you know this now.

Very best of luck, Dr Pam x

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