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My friend's husband is treating me bizarrely
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Dear Dr Pam,
I have a bit of a dilemma that's what you might call tricky, as my friend’s husband has started behaving very oddly towards me. We’ve all known each other for six years - they got married four years ago. But lately he sometimes acts stand-offish and even what I'd describe as cold towards me. It feels at times like he doesn’t want me around. I’ve raised it with my friend but only in a half-joking manner. I can tell from her response she’s completely oblivious to his behaviour. I can’t understand why he’s started being like this towards me, but I find myself dreading meeting them both when he’s around. The most weird thing is that sometimes he does the opposite and seems to flirt with me behind her back.
Should I bring it up directly with her? I’m worried she won’t understand and risk damaging the friendship, especially if I mention the weird flirting behavior. Any help is appreciated, thanks, as all this is worrying me. Lily, 31
Dear 'Weird behavior is worrying',
You might be surprised to hear this is actually a quite common dilemma. We often get negative feelings from a friend's partner for various reasons - usually because they see us as playing gooseberry and they want more 'togetherness-time' with their partner.
Or sometimes they get annoyed over what you share with their partner - that gal-pal kind of bond. And they don't want to share their partner’s time with someone they feel in competition with. Plus he might feel he’s getting less time with her than you are. So it's a form of envy.
Another less likely explanation is that your friend’s husband is simply going through a bad time and is giving off the negative vibes around anyone - in this case it has nothing to do with you personally.
But- here comes the really tricky bit - another explanation is that he fancies you. When someone fancies a third-party - and they flirt with that person - they then feel guilty and end up overcompensating giving them the cold shoulder next time around. This is because they regret flirting when they know they shouldn't.
Think through these various possibilities - because of his flirting behavior I think it's probably the last one. But if you think it's one of the other explanations then act accordingly to solve it. For instance, if he's jealous of the bond you share with her always 'big up' how great they are as a couple when you're around them - and resist sharing private jokes with her.
Back to the possibility that he fancies you - if you decide this is likely, then don't return his flirting! There lies a slippery slope otherwise…it's one thing to flirt with a single man - quite another with your great friend's husband. Definitely try these:
- Treat him in a friendly fashion but no more.
- Don't end up on your own with him.
- And at this point I certainly wouldn't raise your suspicions with your friend just in case you're wrong.
If the bad moods take over and he ends up always negative around you then raise it in a very tactful way with your friend. Try this:
- No matter how great your friendship has been always bear in mind this is her husband you're talking about, so you have to be extra tactful.
- Begin with a positive about how much you like him before raising your fears he doesn't like you're around.
- Ask if she's noticed that he doesn't seem to like you much.
- Ask if there's anything you can do differently to get along with him better.
Being positive and constructive like this should help to clear the air and hopefully things can get back to normal between the three of you.
Final tip: if she thinks you're being a bit paranoid and hasn't noticed his negative behavior, drop it and plan just to meet up with her when he's not around.
Good luck,
Dr Pam x
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