Each week, award-winning radio presenter, agony aunt, sex and relationship advisor, and life coach Dr Pam Spurr will be advising iVillagers on real-life love and sex issues. Check back every week to read her latest words of wisdom
My husband hit me but I'm not ready to leave
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Question: Dear Dr Pam,
I have a huge dilemma and now that the year is almost over I feel even more pressured to solve it and start fresh! Two years ago I married my boyfriend after dating him for a year. Things with him have never been too rosy and easy but despite everything we were crazy in love with each other. Deep down I knew that this kind of intense relationship might not work once we were married but I decided to ignore that feeling and go ahead with the wedding. The first year as husband and wife was pretty good although the fights between us didn’t stop. But things just kept getting worse and a few months ago we had a massive row when, in the heat of the moment, he hit me. That’s when I realised that I should get out of this marriage before it’s too late.
Unfortunately it’s not that simple. We have a debt to pay off (stupidly we bought a flat that we couldn’t afford) and - in the current recession - a divorce and having to find a new, separate place to live, would be almost impossible to handle financially! I don’t want to put money before my happiness but I’m trying to be realistic and realise that I can’t be happy if I can’t afford having a normal life! What should I do?
Dear 'normal life',
I’m very glad you got in touch because you obviously haven't hit 'rock bottom' yet but I fear you will soon. Anyone reading your e-mail will think your personal safety is the most important thing for you to consider. Debts, recession, fear of starting a new life, etc., pale into insignificance compared with being physically abused by your husband.
But I mentioned rock bottom because sometimes it takes a while to reach - many people in abusive relationships keep optimistic that 'things will get better' or, 'it won't happen again' or 'there are worse things' - as in your case where you say the worst thing is suffering more financially.
And like someone who has a drink problem - and allows it to hurt them (and usually it hurts others around them too) - they often have to have repeated negative things happen to them before they finally reach their rock bottom.
Yes, it's fantastic when they finally realise they need to turn their lives around - but it's quite sad when other people looking in can see that they needed to do it sooner. And that's how many people will be looking at your dilemma - that now is the time for you to change things and gets out - but you're resisting doing that.
I'm not going to give you my usual set of tips and techniques to try as I think you need food for thought. So I want you to think about the following:
*What if next time he seriously hurts you?
*What if he doesn't actually hit you but continues to emotionally abuse you? Because emotional abuse goes hand-in-hand with physical abuse.
*What would you tell a friend who was in this situation?
*Who else might you stay with while you sort out your debts? Could a family member, relation or friend put you up?
*Is there any way for you to budget better to get out, live more simply and start again?
*Can you make sure no other debts are incurred that include your name? Don't sign anything he gives you until you've had it carefully evaluated!
*Would you not feel better knowing you're safe - even if you have to live in different circumstances?
*What's really keeping you in this? Has he undermined you so much that you have no self-belief to get on and eventually find a better life?
*And, speaking of a better life, isn't any life where there is no threat of physical harm better than what you have now?
*Aren't you, as any woman, worthy of being treated well? Yes, you most definitely are worthy of good treatment - remember that!
*Do consider contacting the Refuge help line 0808 2000 247 - if only to chat through your situation.
Final tip: Without sounding melodramatic I urge you to have an escape plan ready - where you have enough cash safely stashed away so you can jump in a taxi and get away from him if he gets violent again.
Do please look after yourself, Dr Pam x
For loads more advice, Dr Pam's latest sex-and-love guide is available on Amazon.
Also visit www.drpam.co.uk
Have you got a sex or relationship problem? Email Dr Pam at pam.spurr@nbcuni.com
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