Dr Pam's love clinic

Each week, award-winning radio presenter, agony aunt, sex and relationship advisor, and life coach Dr Pam Spurr will be advising iVillagers on real-life love and sex issues. Check back every week to read her latest words of wisdom

Since my mum died I've lost interest in my husband

By Dr. Pam Spurr on 24 Jan 2012 No comments

Question: Dear Dr Pam,

My mum died tragically and completely unexpectedly four months ago. I've been married for five years to a lovely man. But since losing my mum I have found it very hard to get intimate with him. I can't put my finger on it I just don't feel like it.

He is very understanding but I find it’s such an emotional time for me and my emotions just overtake everything else. I find it pretty hard to be romantic and certainly have lost total interest in full-on sex. I'm so worried that he'll lose patience with me and that I'm running out of time with his understanding. I'm desperate for help...

Dear 'Running out of time',

I'm not surprised you're not in the mood for intimacy as you're still in a very raw stage of grief. To compound this you're feeling the 'normal' pressures that most of us feel in a relationship and that's to keep the intimacy going. But this is not a 'normal' time for your relationship.

There are times in even the best relationships when the intimacy needs to be put on hold - and this is for various reasons. Going through bereavement is usually one of these although some rare people have a need to have sex almost to fight off feelings of the fear of death.

Instead of my normal suggestions and strategies I just want you to think about the following:

What is absolutely crucial here is that you communicate your worries to your husband about your own feelings PLUS his feelings - and what they might be during this time. He might be completely in tune with your grief but then again he may not be. Very often a partner thinks their partner is 'fine' because they're not weeping and wailing after bereavement.

To make sure that he doesn't feel rejected - and that you stop worrying about your relationship - get solid communication going with him about your grief and how it affects you emotionally. And that in turn affects your sex drive and desire.

The more you reach out to him about how you're feeling - and that you certainly don't want him to feel rejected - the more patience and understanding he'll have.

It's a two-way street when it comes to these things where one partner is grieving and the other thinks that life will be back to normal soon. Both partners have to be honest and loving with each other.

Many people find that their grief doesn't fully go away but it does become more manageable. I know, I lost my mum nine years ago and I still miss her terribly but I learned to manage my grief over time and to get on with my life. And that's what your mum would want for you.

Final tip: If you're still struggling, get in touch with a local bereavement service. Sometimes people need help healing even if they're normally self-sufficient type people.

Good luck, I wish you the very best, Dr Pam x

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Have you got a sex or relationship problem? Email Dr Pam at pam.spurr@nbcuni.com