Susanne Remic is a primary school teacher, freelance writer and parenting blogger. She writes at Ghostwritermummy and Maternity Matters and in between all of that she regularly wins mummy of the year awards for running around after her two children, aged six and 19 months. This is her pregnancy blog: an online diary of her third pregnancy as she strives to overcome two difficult births, one angel child and one awkward toddler. Join Susanne as she shares every step of her journey from bump to baby!
Naughty or nice?
By Susanne Remic on 17 Jan 2012
Before I became a teacher, I worked as a teaching assistant. My role involved looking after one particular child, who was on the autism spectrum, for part of the week and general classroom assistant for the rest of the time. I was also required to support a younger pupil, also on the spectrum, through lunch time. It was this half an hour slot on my timetable which really opened my eyes and instilled a belief in me which has recently been brought into question.
One of the dinner ladies once called the child who I was supporting a ‘naughty’ boy. I was stunned. The child in question was unable to communicate verbally in the ways that you and I can. This child would emit a series of screams and squeals to get his feelings across and so you can imagine that much of his dealings with people were bound in frustration.
He would often kick out and hit other children and would find it difficult to sit still or concentrate for longer than around two minutes at the most. I can’t even remember what he had done to illicit the response that he was naughty, but I do remember feeling very sad for this boy.
After I became a parent, I felt equally as strongly that my daughter was not naughty. As a baby, her behaviour was much the same as that boy’s had been and any scream or cries were born from frustration at being unable to communicate sufficiently. Once she learned to speak, her temper calmed. The same can be said with the toddler.
Once he learned key words with which to communicate his wants and feelings, his behaviour began to improve immeasurably. This is what has led me to believe that children are not naughty.
I hate the word. I hate to hear children being called naughty. Perhaps it is my teacher training and the tutor who advised us that most bad behaviour stems from making the wrong decisions. If you give a child a decision and allow them to make their choice, it’s up to them. It’s just a case of ensuring they know the rewards and consequences related to those choices. I believe that.
The thing is, I have always said that at the age of two, tantrums aren’t ‘naughty’. They are an expression of emotion. You can’t expect a two year old to know how to deal with such huge emotions and so they kick, they scream and they struggle to find the right words to make us understand. But then the toddler opened my eyes.
I was packing for a weekend away and had laid out clean, freshly ironed clothes on the bed. I was also running a bath. The toddler had managed to snatch some clothes from the pile and without pausing, he flung them into the bath. Ok, I thought, I need to explain that I don’t want the clothes in the bath. So I did. So the toddler looked at me, with a pair of jeans in his hand. And he thought. And he looked me square in the eye as he dumped the jeans in the bath.
I suddenly thought to myself: goodness, that was naughty!
I didn’t tell him that. I didn’t want to give him the label and the incentive to do more things like that. But now I am questioning my beliefs. Maybe toddlers can be naughty, after all. But I think the difference comes with how you deal with it. I don’t want the toddler to know he is naughty. Otherwise, he might never try to be otherwise. He might just accept that title and live up to it. What do you think?
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