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10 celebrity wedding no-nos

Celebrities may think they have a lot to teach us about many things, but the way they get married is a great leveller. Your true personality comes out when you marry, which is why Zoe Ball, famous rock-loving, hard-living ladette had a gorgeous stylish bash in a stately home. While Catherine Zeta-Jones, the grumbles from Mumbles, had an explosion in Claire's Accessories.

It's hard work putting a wedding together, so I picked up what I could from the famous - from how to make a feature of your pikey tattoo, a la Kym Marsh, to how to wear a really cheap dress so it doesn't matter when your wedding ends ten minutes later, like Lisa Marie Presley.

I was going to list my celebrity wedding do's and don'ts, but I couldn't find any do's, so here are my personal top ten:

1. Don't make yourself look like an idiot by flogging your pics to a magazine which insists you have to go into the church covered in a plastic bag, a la Jordan. This is the photo that will end up in the newspapers, making you look greedy and ugly.
2. Don't invite anyone much much more famous than yourself to the wedding, as Davinia Taylor did when she invited Posh and David to her summer bash. Hmm, guess who everyone was looking at?
3. Don't lose so much weight that everyone wonders if you'll make it through the ceremony before you collapse - like Danielle Spencer marrying Russell Crowe, who had to practically carry her skeletal frame back up the aisle.
4. Don't have a wedding so secretive somebody nearly kills themselves by hiding in the organ, like at Madonna and Guy's wedding.
5. Don't have a golden, Egyptian theme and get carried in on a table by gilded slaves, especially if you're the size of Celine Dion's husband, Rene.
6. Don't ask a bunch of people you've just met to be your bridesmaids, dress them all in black, then spend the entire ceremony giving your new plastic-faced husband graphic tongue sandwiches, Liza.
7. Don't have purple thrones. (Actually, personally I think a wedding isn't really a wedding without purple thrones, but I got vetoed on this one).
8. Don't - I find this one terribly sad - let them go ahead and misspell your new husband's name on your wedding cake, as Jennifer Lopez did to Cris.
9. Don't do a Catherine Zeta, spending the entire time shovelling handfuls of wedding cake into your big, fat face then spending six months complaining about it in court.
10. And last, but by no means least, DON'T flog chocolate. Never, ever, ever, ever, no matter how much money you've been given and how hungry you are, flog a chocolate bar on your wedding day - Anthea.

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