Women we love to hate

Victoria Beckham: The Wannabe
In a nutshell: Talent isn't a prerequisite for fame and fortune these days and you have no greater example of this than Posh. Mrs. Beckham is one lucky lady no more, no less. Her good fortune lies entirely on being in the right place at the right time. Yet she insists her success is down to hard work and professionalism - Oh, and don't forget, she really likes music. Her inability to accept her inadequacies as an entertainer, her lucky windfall of cash from the Spice Girls record sales, and marrying David have combined to create a celebrity monster who will not go away. We watch as she indulges in her fantasies of fame apparently unaware that her addiction to it is as plain and ugly as the nose on her face.

Things we hate about her

1. She talks of protecting her sons from the glare of publicity then promptly makes Elton John and Liz Hurley their godparents.
2. Watching Posh endlessly search for a career so she can justify her desire for fame is plain tiresome. We have lived through the solo singing artiste, the charity ambassador, and now inevitably the fashion designer. Yawn.
3. Despite denials to the contrary she is a flamboyant spender, recently dropping £120,000 on a play castle for her sons. Admit it Girl: you drop cash faster than Alex Ferguson can throw a soccer boot.
4. Victoria doesn't do anything unless some A-lister has done it first - yoga, hip-hop, skiing, babies at the Portland, contrived names for her children. The woman doesn't possess an original bone in her body.

She says: 'If you look at all the great performers like Michael Jackson, Janet Jackson and even Britney Spears, they don't always sing live on stage. I am no different to them.' The only thing Posh has in common with the Jacksons is bad taste and a fondness for plastic surgery.

Madonna : The Fanatic
In a nutshell: Madonna had us fooled. We thought she was the ultimate woman in control, carving out a unique path as a female entertainer, making bold choices and never falling into the same clichéd traps that beset so many other superstars. But oh how the mighty have fallen! We thought she was smart and cynical but now she serves as a warning to the potential brain-rotting powers of Kabbalah. To see her outwitted by an ex-life insurance salesman who calls himself The Rav and makes a mint selling wacko water and magic string to confused, naïve people is - well, it's crushing. We are dealing with the undeniable fact that while Madge is calculating and instinctive she's probably not very bright. In the space where her brain should be is a bottomless pit of insecurities that no amount of fame or money can fill. We hate her for making us feel like Michael Jackson fans.

Things we hate about her

1. Esther (her Kaballah name) needs to stop writing trite songs about the state of the world and actually do something practical and meaningful. Madge, take a page out of Sandy Bullock's book: if you want to help, just hand over the cash.
2. Stop playing the intellectual. If you want to impress us then enter into a real debate with real intellects who can question you freely on the ethics and leadership of Kabbalah. We won't hold our breath.
3. Why the English accent? It shows how contrived she is - the consummate wannabe morphing in and out of different personas driven by her desire to be anything other than an Italian-American girl from Ohio.
4. Kabbalah has given Madge searing insights, she wants to share them with us. Apparently material things are not going to bring us happiness 'the only thing that is going to bring you happiness is love and how you treat your fellow man.' No kidding, most of us actually had that one figured out a long time ago. Stop trying to educate us.
5. She needs to cut out the sneering condescension; we can all see that the wheels are coming off. We do not envy her Guy, the sad husband, once ridiculed for being a mockney but now written off as a failure, who seems to be losing the plot (he also lives by the Kabbalah).

She says: 'I don't want people to dress like me anymore. Now I want them to think like me. Dress like Britney Spears and think like me, and everything will be fine.' Can everyone say cuckoo. Another icon ruined.

©FEATSPRESS 2005